defeat or bravery

Am I admitting defeat or am I being brave about my limitations?

Today I applied for handicap parking so that I won't have to keep walking a mile to and between classes. It's kind of an awkward milestone in this whole sickness thing.

awkwardly morbid hope

Tonight was one of those nights where you cry yourself into realizing you can't sleep because your nose is now to runny sort of nights.

The good news is that these times lend themselves to great and meaningful scripture reading, and end wonderful and rich. :)

Tonight I was taken aback by how deeply wonderful, though awkwardly morbid, this passage is for a sicky like me:

For I know that my Redeemer lives,
And at the last he will stand upon the earth.
And after my skin has thus been destroyed,
Yet in my flesh I shall see God.
-Psalm 19:25-26


(Uploaded from my Blackberry)

"lyme tired"

It's almost 3am, and I'm happily studying for my economics final exam. I'm happy because I'm feeling pretty great energy and strength wise. I feel simultaneously able to go to sleep, or run a few miles. I realize as I have that thought, that this is how I used to feel all the time. I would get tired, I would want to go to bed, but I would have physical strength. My current state, although it's doesn't always work this well, is due to the Cymbalta I'm taking. I've often struggled to describe the kind of fatigue that I have from lyme. In January, I did a little experiment in which I counted how many push-ups I could do each day. Some days I would be exhausted by 5, some days, I was still feeling strong when I finished at 30. The problem isn't a fatigue that causes lethargy that leads to muscle loss - I have all the muscle to do all 30 each day. The problem is that somehow, on some days, our body won't let us use the muscles. I don't know much at all about the physiology of how all this works. What I do know is that the Cymbalta drug I'm taking is a norepinephrine and serotonin reu-ptake inhibitor class anti-depressant. According to all the official websites out there, people don't know how this stuff actually works in your brain. On less official (but more awesome - crazymeds.com) websites I've read that it coats your neurons and that's how it helps with my nerve pain. Anyways, even though I still get tired very often on the Cymbalta, ever since going on it, I've always felt STRONG and ABLE. Before going on it, I felt like you feel when you can't open a jar in your kitchen, but about everything. Anyways, just getting this out there, while this moment of clarity lasts - so I can reference this later. :-) I tend to forget how I actually FELT in the past, but only remember how certain pain/fatigue affected me, or how I described it.

One year with lyme.

These last two weeks I have been celebrating my 1 year anniversary with lyme disease.

I'm much calmer about life these days. I've found that most everything can be put back together. And, when they cant be put together and we fall apart at the loss and change, we can be put back together.

This means you don't have to worry about failing, messing up, letting people down, or ruining your life. Just plant seeds in whatever season you find yourself in. Trust God to make things grow, rejoice when he does, submit to his pruning, and trust when you don't know how the seeds will take root.

One of my favorite life-will-be-okay-songs to listen to is Rob Thomas' "Little Wonders." Our lives are made of "these little wonders - these twists and turns of fate." I really, really don't like lyme disease. It's annoying. But this little twist has been a wonder. I love how far I've come, and don't regret this last year. My life, and my person has changed and morphed in good ways. I'm calm, I trust the Lord more, I'm not as obsessed with my works and abilities. Most of all, there's this deep love and happiness. I'm am often weary of life, yet there's this different sort of happiness, it's calm and steady love for God and others that causes me to enjoy the days here.

Looking ahead still scares me a lot. I have no idea how certain things are going to fall into place this year, let alone for the rest of my life with this disease. I can give my babies lyme through the freaking placenta and breast milk. (a. yes i just said that and b. yes i think way to far ahead..) But I know that a year ago, this year looked like darkness, and that darkness has turned to light. Tomorrow, and 20 years from now, will be the same way.

And man, it feels good to be done with year 1.

This week has been another rough one. I've been feeling this sort of half deadness. Like in Pirates of the Caribbean, where all those cursed pirates would rather be mortal than have the "food turn to ash" in their mouths and all that jazz. Probably not the most helpful of analogies for me to be dwelling on. It's in between normal and out-of-body experience. From the times that I've done google searches, I know that this is not unusual for the lyme-diseased.

A lot of it has to do with goals and desires. I don't have career ambitions. I feel useless, pointless. I don't have that life in your blood feeling - the thrill and wonder to live. Thinking about this has causes some little breakdowns a few times this week, especially when I'm trying to fall asleep at night.

I've dealt with sadness, depression, and even bitterness over this issue. I've spent most of this afternoon tearing up. The lifelessness makes me question why I should even live. I quickly become bitter wondering why God would have me be here but not have my heart all here. What a silly question. I'm not sure what made me think that I need to have my heart all here. JC Ryle addresses this in his booklet Sickness, writing that "Surely anything that obliges us to alter the way we measure earthly things is a real good." He says that sickness "exposes the emptiness and hollowness of what the world calls 'good' things and teaches us to hold them with a loose hand." In this specific context Ryle doesn't state the following, but I believe the idea is incomplete without this - that measuring earthly things correctly, and holding them with a loose hand opens us up to this: holding with firm grip, and being ever more held by, the reality of heaven, the truth of God, and the hope in eternity. The goal of seeing this world as temporary is to see God's glory as eternal. I don't just let go of old dreams and old goals, I get picked up and carried forth by new and greater ones. That is why it is good when sickness makes me re-evaluate.

Also, reading this was a huge huge help.

My deepest need in weakness.

"The deepest need that you and I have in weakness and adversity
is not quick relief,
but the well-grounded confidence
that what is happening to us
is part of the greatest purpose of God in the universe -
the glorification of the grace and power of his Son -
the grace and power that bore him to the cross
and kept him there until the work of love was done.
That's what God is building into our lives."

John Piper

Struggling a lot today with the idea that I could very well feel like this for the rest of my life. I don't know how I will do it. Yet remembering that in April I said I couldn't survive if my allergies didn't go away by May.

Well, here we are, almost to September.

They were not allergies and it is not gone.

Not only did I survive, but I learned. I loved.

There was grace. There was even joy.

There are cherished memories and progress made.

It was not always easy, but it was never wrong.

i thought it was darkness before me, but He turned it into light.

"And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them.

I will turn the darkness before them into LIGHT, the rough places into level ground.

These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them."

- Isaiah 42:16

"In all their affliction he was afflicted,
and the angel of his presence saved them;
in his love and in his pity he redeemed them;
he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old."

-Isaiah 63:9

I can feel my heart slowly coming back to me. :-)

It was a weird mixture of hard and easy to pursue God when depressed.

On one hand, it's hard because there is a lack of energy and passion in my life.

It is easy however, to fall on Him because there is nothing else. I don't want to lose that. There was something holy about the moments when I would lift my hands and praise God for His goodness when there was such deadness in my soul. It was so raw and real.

I am grateful for that time, even though I longed for and prayed for it to be over.

In every season,

God gives us what we need for us to glorify Him

in the way He wants us to at that time.

So what do I have now?

The ability to be passionate.

More energy to reach out to others and serve and love them.

What are my weaknesses now?

To forget my need.

To forget what is of ultimate importance.

To neglect the word and put my trust back in myself.

How can I keep from falling to those things?

Only by God's grace.

By admitting that I will tend, and will fall at times to those ways.

By daily remembering the gospel, my sin, my savior, my calling.

By filling my surroundings with reminders -

gospel centered music, flash cards, friends who remind me, etc.

Devotional plan for this Fall:

Continue working on the Bible in a Year Plan.

Work on my memory verses. 2 verses per week at a minimum.

(I should work on the books of the Bible I plan to memorize for my "18 Things" list)

I can see His hand.

Even in the scariest most tearful moments, I can see His hand.

Every time I feel at my end, I turn to Him.

That is His hand, His work, His drawing me.

I have felt tossed and tumbled, but never not-anchored.

I have felt confused but never lost.

I have felt angry, but He has turned that to joy and trust, not bitterness.

Even when I let go, He holds on.

I see His hand so clearly in my weakness.

I see it so clearly.

I don't know what's coming.

I know His hand won't let me go.

I trust Him.

--

	We are pressed but not crushed, perplexed but don't despair. We are persecuted but not abandoned. We are no longer slaves, we are daughters and sons. And when we are weak, we are very strong. For neither death nor life nor present nor future nor depth nor height can keep us from the love of Christ. This rings so true for me right now. I see His hand in that I was perplexed but I didn't despair.

easily forgotten..

THE ONLY WAY OUT

IS THROUGH.

It's cliche, easily forgotten, but also true.

And I change my approach when I remember it.

--

I feel like this season of my life is a big smear.

And I'm afraid I'll look back on it.. as a big smear.

I probably will.

But I know I will look back on this whole life as a blur.

There is something else, something after, something eternal.

my hope is set.

oh setbacks.

i have been out of bed for 6.5 hours.

i want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep.

i really hope this is just the meds.

i really hope i'm not like this at school next week.

..

i would really like these things.

but on further thought, they are not my hope.

"For this end we toil and strive,

Because we have our hope set on the living God,

who is the Savior of all people,

especially of those who believe."

- 1 Timothy 4:10

When my heart is empty, fill it with You.

When feelings are gone, I am grateful more than ever for the word of God. It is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. When my heart does not know what to want, I learn to desire God's glory. When my heart feels alone, I know I never am. When I do not know how to treat others, I am reminded to love them because of God's love for me.

//

Let's go dancing in the minefields.

This is harder than we dreamed

but I believe that's what the promise is for.

(andrew peterson)

Uselessness

I was at Chloe's Coffee spending time with my friend Sarah, who was working there. While she was doing dishes and serving customers, I had some random thoughts that I developed by sending myself a super long email from my Blackberry. Here's what I typed up with my thumbs...

--

I think I am useless because I have less time, less energy, and am not the person I was.

TIME
God has given me all the time I need to do His will. I just need to steward. Am I stewarding well? I think one of my "I have no time because I'm always sleeping" causes is useless pursuits. I have less time, yes. So its all the more precious. Am I using it to pursue Christ, or wasting it? Lord, teach me to number my hours that I may use them wisely, for the only thing that remains.

LESS ENERGY
God provides strength for everything He calls me to. But a big issue is seperating sickness from laziness. I think it could really help me to get myself in a more managable pattern so I can discern the sickness excuse. For example, go to bed soon enough that I don't need to snooze. And then get in a pattern of not using the snooze button. Making a manegable task list, and then be faithful to follow through. Be aware of limitations, but don't focus too much on feelings.

MIND/PERSONALITY
I feel like I'm not myself. New energy, or lack thereof. No goals - little and tired ones. New concentration - a poor one. I forget things, space out, don't care about things that used to excite me. I am the person God wants me to be to do His purpose now. If I'm less dominant and energetic then Gods work for me now must require something else.

If I'm this way for the rest of my days, I'm not useless. I'm used differently.

Unless the Lord builds the house, the workers labor in vain.

Its Gods plan that's unstoppable and best. Not mine.

(the following are snippets from different sovereign grace songs.)

Come Holy Spirit
We lay down our lives
To gather in the harvest
Won by Jesus Christ.

--

Your glorious cause oh God
Engages our hearts
May Jesus Christ be known
WHEREVER we are

We ask not for ourselves
But for your renown
Your cross has saved us
SO we pray
Your kingdom come

gluten.

I might have figured out the cause behind my "lyme headaches." These are very different from the typical tension headaches I've had all my life. These are a fuzz in the front of my head and are accompanied by feelings of nausea. I got them especially every time I ate. Thought it was because of the lyme. I hope I'm wrong, but I think they are triggered by eating gluten.

Today I had a burger, and 5 min later had a headache.

Later I had an ice cream. With a cone. Headache!

#1 reason i'm un-cool with this

i don't want to be "that girl" who is too frail to eat bread.

sorry gluten intolerant ppl, i don't mean this harshly.

i just always thought it'd be lame of me to be gluten intolerant. ironic.

#2 reason i'm un-cool with this

beer

comforting thoughts

1. i can still eat ice cream

2. i can still eat fro-yo

3. i can still have sushi

::UPDATE::
In September 2010, I figured out that I was also casein-intolerant. So much for being able to have fro-yo and ice cream. :p :)

10 things Re: Fall Semester that I am excited about.

(something to try to get my to be okay with the idea of going back to school. right now working through depression, this is a big scary idea.) ;-)

1. Being with the roomies.

2. The new houseplants Joanna and I purchased in New Jersey.

3. The food co-op at Maryland.

4. Being 5 minutes away from Yogiberry and bubble tea (!!).

5. Routine.

6. College friends.

7. Having all my own food again.

8. The gym at school.

9. TBD

10. TBD :-)

Resolutions.

1. I resolve to quit EWB and never return.

2. I resolve to keep my room clean.

3. I resolve to keep my basil plant alive.

4. I resolve to have study parties with Gloria.

5. I resolve to have more study time in Joanna's piano practice rooms while she plays.

6. I resolve to drink lots of bubble tea.

7. I resolve to drop a class if I don't laugh for a month like Spring'10. :P

lyme / fall semester

Yesterday, Joanna and I went to a friend's flower shop here in New Jersey. We selected plants to put in our house at school when we move back in this Fall. And I thought about having the plants there with us, and for the first time I was happy about the idea of going back there.

It is lame that plants are my source of happiness, plants and the idea of cooking with the basil plant we bought, but it worked. In this season, it is really easy try to keep myself afloat by little things that will make me happy: buying stuff, plants, cooking, pretty colors. I need to find the balance between not having these things shroud my love for my Creator, but at the same time, taking advantage of the God given reality that His wonderful creations bring joy.

diligence.

Great article by Mark Altrogge on diligence.

Depression.

Now that I'm better, things look different, but my sinful nature remains. I still have to make a conscious decision to pursue God, to have Him as the source of my joy, to remember Him through my day.

--

While I couldn't just make myself feel happy, reminding myself of key truths had a big impact on my mind. For example, thinking through how God has proven His love by the cross, or how people throughout all time have relied on Him and not been let down, inspired me to be diligent and do the tasks He had called me to even when I didn't feel like moving.

--

Depression is not an excuse to sin, but can definitely have chemical causes. Switching medicine cleared up the problem for me, but if I had the same symptoms for an extended period of time in future, I would strongly consider getting medicine to help.

--

God walks with us through every season He calls us through.

new lyme meds + feeling better :-)

I switched to amoxicillin Sunday night - one of the best decisions of my year. I had been on doxycycline for 6 weeks, ever since the day I was diagnosed (May 19th) with lyme.

MY LIFE IS NO LONGER A BIG BLACK ABYSS OF SCARY NOTHINGNESS.

aka - my depression wasn't caused by lyme, it was a side affect of the doxycycline.

I didn't know this, because I associated all the symptoms together since I've been on the meds for so long.

So many times I was confused about the depression. I didn't know if I was making things up in my head, if I was causing it. However, now that I am on the amoxicillin it's like night and day. I'll try to explain it, I hope this isn't weird, haha.

Now that I'm "normal" it's not like I'm bursting with happiness all the time. It's normal. I now remember this being how I feel all the time, all my life. It's like you're a buoy floating in the water. There are down moments and up moments, but you bounce back to a happy norm. On the meds, it was like I was drowning. I would sometimes get up to the surface for a breath of fresh air, but it lasted for a moment and then I was underwater again. Weird metaphor, but it's all I can think of to describe the difference.

Anyways, it's WONDERFUL.

Unexpected, weird, sudden, I'm hoping it's here to stay, but regardless

I LOVE IT. And I'm so grateful.

today

today was hard.

looked in a mirror partway through and i looked like a raccoon with huge dark circles. not even kidding. and i spent most of the day on the verge of tears. which was fun because i worked at the receptionist desk at my church all day. fortunately, nothing tipped me over the edge. i didn't cry at all until now as i type all this, which is fine because i'm alone eating a potato. :-)

today was good.

i was reminded of God's nearness and care.

i laughed at things.

i was reminded that God has a plan to use me.

the other day i was talking to someone and they said they had an impression that the Lord would use me in a certain way. the biggest surprise to me was the idea that God was going to use me in a specific way one day. that He could use me. the biggest thing right now is just huge inadequacy and just massive difficulty in getting through each day. it's incredibly comforting and happy to think that in time i will help, serve and minister to others again. i guess i did last week with all the kiddos at the camp, but it was so indirect.

aaand now i'm crying more.

wanting to just know when this will end, that it will end.

someday, sometime. i will get my life back.

reminded that i find, should find, my life, hope, and identity in Christ.

and that if I do, it can't be shaken. ever.

need to work on that. :-)

--

“God often helps when there is least hope, and saves His people in that way which they think will destroy. There is never a providence of God, but has either a mercy or a wonder in it. How stupendous and infinite is that wisdom, that makes the most adverse dispensations work for the good of His children.

thomas watson