awkwardly morbid hope

Tonight was one of those nights where you cry yourself into realizing you can't sleep because your nose is now to runny sort of nights.

The good news is that these times lend themselves to great and meaningful scripture reading, and end wonderful and rich. :)

Tonight I was taken aback by how deeply wonderful, though awkwardly morbid, this passage is for a sicky like me:

For I know that my Redeemer lives,
And at the last he will stand upon the earth.
And after my skin has thus been destroyed,
Yet in my flesh I shall see God.
-Psalm 19:25-26


(Uploaded from my Blackberry)

This week has been another rough one. I've been feeling this sort of half deadness. Like in Pirates of the Caribbean, where all those cursed pirates would rather be mortal than have the "food turn to ash" in their mouths and all that jazz. Probably not the most helpful of analogies for me to be dwelling on. It's in between normal and out-of-body experience. From the times that I've done google searches, I know that this is not unusual for the lyme-diseased.

A lot of it has to do with goals and desires. I don't have career ambitions. I feel useless, pointless. I don't have that life in your blood feeling - the thrill and wonder to live. Thinking about this has causes some little breakdowns a few times this week, especially when I'm trying to fall asleep at night.

I've dealt with sadness, depression, and even bitterness over this issue. I've spent most of this afternoon tearing up. The lifelessness makes me question why I should even live. I quickly become bitter wondering why God would have me be here but not have my heart all here. What a silly question. I'm not sure what made me think that I need to have my heart all here. JC Ryle addresses this in his booklet Sickness, writing that "Surely anything that obliges us to alter the way we measure earthly things is a real good." He says that sickness "exposes the emptiness and hollowness of what the world calls 'good' things and teaches us to hold them with a loose hand." In this specific context Ryle doesn't state the following, but I believe the idea is incomplete without this - that measuring earthly things correctly, and holding them with a loose hand opens us up to this: holding with firm grip, and being ever more held by, the reality of heaven, the truth of God, and the hope in eternity. The goal of seeing this world as temporary is to see God's glory as eternal. I don't just let go of old dreams and old goals, I get picked up and carried forth by new and greater ones. That is why it is good when sickness makes me re-evaluate.

Also, reading this was a huge huge help.

weakness & strength

if i am truly weak
and only God is strong

then i only get stronger
by relying more on Him
and only by seeing my weakness more clearly

so my prayers for God to strengthen me
are prayers to see myself more fully as weak?
which is a scary but good prayer.

My deepest need in weakness.

"The deepest need that you and I have in weakness and adversity
is not quick relief,
but the well-grounded confidence
that what is happening to us
is part of the greatest purpose of God in the universe -
the glorification of the grace and power of his Son -
the grace and power that bore him to the cross
and kept him there until the work of love was done.
That's what God is building into our lives."

John Piper

my hope is set.

oh setbacks.

i have been out of bed for 6.5 hours.

i want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep.

i really hope this is just the meds.

i really hope i'm not like this at school next week.

..

i would really like these things.

but on further thought, they are not my hope.

"For this end we toil and strive,

Because we have our hope set on the living God,

who is the Savior of all people,

especially of those who believe."

- 1 Timothy 4:10

Your great Burden Bearer

Saw this on Megan Russel's blog.

“it is a heavy burden, roll it on Omnipotence.
it is your burden now, and it crushes you;
but when the Lord takes it He will make nothing of it.
if you are still called to bear it,
‘He will sustain you.’
it will be on you, and not on you."

--
Charles Spurgeon
Check Book of the Bank of Faith, July 14th.

Lyme.

First of all, I'm not blogging this to score pity points. It's just helpful for me to put this here. To get it off my chest. To have it here to read later. There's something about talking and writing that help me think.

I have had lyme for a little over 3 months now. That's not a very long time, but it's not getting any better. The biggest issue is the constant weariness and the feeling that I just don't care. Even things that I have minor emotion for aren't the same - a good movie, a yummy meal - I just get a slice of enjoyment. There's a big temptation to be angry that I can't have my old life and my old energy back. I was looking through photos of the Spring semester and it helped. I do have some good memories, there were moments of laughter. But in all honesty, they seem speckled through across the smear that is the last 3 months. That's life - a giant smear I'm trying to survive. I am not trying to say that my life is horrible and I fight to survive, I am just saying that this is how it feels.

The biggest issue is looking at the future. I want to have faith and joy. I want to glorify God. My initial feeling is always fear. I don't know what I'm going to do if it doesn't go away, I really don't know. The idea of facing another semester like this scares me to the point of tears.

But this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him."

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him.

(lamentations 3:21-25)

So many times I've had the thought, "This is going to knock the life out of me." Each time I'm reminded that if my life is Christ, it can't be knocked out of me.

"The Lord is my portion, therefore I will hope in him." I have no clue what the Fall semester will look like. I can't joyfully expect things to go my way, or for me to be healed. I can desire that, pray for that, but I will be let down if I hope in that. But I have a better portion than that. The Lord is my portion, and my glorious portion, and my certain portion. I can hope, I can joyfully anticipate His nearness, love, and active work this Fall, and for the rest of my days.

God is my future.

Today, during worship at church, Josh Harris came up on stage and prayed/said some things that really struck me in new ways.

One of the comments was something along the lines of "Lord, you are my future."

In one of my favorite John Mayer songs, it says "So scared of getting older, only good being young."

I tend to have this train of thought most of the time - scared and small looking at the future and the world I'll walk through it in.

While it isn't wrong to be miss childhood and realize that adulthood involves a lot, I think changing this perspective can helping me glorify God more, worry less, have more joy. etc.

IF THE LORD IS MY FUTURE

- I have a good and joy filled future.

- I don't have to worry about my job. It isn't my future. God is.

- I don't have to worry about who I will marry, if I will marry, if he will freaking die on me. God is my future, not my husband.

- My financial situation isn't my future.

- My grades aren't my future.

- Wasting time by making a decision or changing my mind isn't my future.

All these things are in my future.

God will work through these decisions and events to glorify Him.

But these things are not the core, the theme, the hope of my future.

God is my future and I couldn't be happier.