Lyme.

First of all, I'm not blogging this to score pity points. It's just helpful for me to put this here. To get it off my chest. To have it here to read later. There's something about talking and writing that help me think.

I have had lyme for a little over 3 months now. That's not a very long time, but it's not getting any better. The biggest issue is the constant weariness and the feeling that I just don't care. Even things that I have minor emotion for aren't the same - a good movie, a yummy meal - I just get a slice of enjoyment. There's a big temptation to be angry that I can't have my old life and my old energy back. I was looking through photos of the Spring semester and it helped. I do have some good memories, there were moments of laughter. But in all honesty, they seem speckled through across the smear that is the last 3 months. That's life - a giant smear I'm trying to survive. I am not trying to say that my life is horrible and I fight to survive, I am just saying that this is how it feels.

The biggest issue is looking at the future. I want to have faith and joy. I want to glorify God. My initial feeling is always fear. I don't know what I'm going to do if it doesn't go away, I really don't know. The idea of facing another semester like this scares me to the point of tears.

But this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him."

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him.

(lamentations 3:21-25)

So many times I've had the thought, "This is going to knock the life out of me." Each time I'm reminded that if my life is Christ, it can't be knocked out of me.

"The Lord is my portion, therefore I will hope in him." I have no clue what the Fall semester will look like. I can't joyfully expect things to go my way, or for me to be healed. I can desire that, pray for that, but I will be let down if I hope in that. But I have a better portion than that. The Lord is my portion, and my glorious portion, and my certain portion. I can hope, I can joyfully anticipate His nearness, love, and active work this Fall, and for the rest of my days.