I'm much calmer about life these days. I've found that most everything can be put back together. And, when they cant be put together and we fall apart at the loss and change, we can be put back together.
This means you don't have to worry about failing, messing up, letting people down, or ruining your life. Just plant seeds in whatever season you find yourself in. Trust God to make things grow, rejoice when he does, submit to his pruning, and trust when you don't know how the seeds will take root.
One of my favorite life-will-be-okay-songs to listen to is Rob Thomas' "Little Wonders." Our lives are made of "these little wonders - these twists and turns of fate." I really, really don't like lyme disease. It's annoying. But this little twist has been a wonder. I love how far I've come, and don't regret this last year. My life, and my person has changed and morphed in good ways. I'm calm, I trust the Lord more, I'm not as obsessed with my works and abilities. Most of all, there's this deep love and happiness. I'm am often weary of life, yet there's this different sort of happiness, it's calm and steady love for God and others that causes me to enjoy the days here.
Looking ahead still scares me a lot. I have no idea how certain things are going to fall into place this year, let alone for the rest of my life with this disease. I can give my babies lyme through the freaking placenta and breast milk. (a. yes i just said that and b. yes i think way to far ahead..) But I know that a year ago, this year looked like darkness, and that darkness has turned to light. Tomorrow, and 20 years from now, will be the same way.
And man, it feels good to be done with year 1.
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