Struggling a lot today with the idea that I could very well feel like this for the rest of my life. I don't know how I will do it. Yet remembering that in April I said I couldn't survive if my allergies didn't go away by May.

Well, here we are, almost to September.

They were not allergies and it is not gone.

Not only did I survive, but I learned. I loved.

There was grace. There was even joy.

There are cherished memories and progress made.

It was not always easy, but it was never wrong.

i thought it was darkness before me, but He turned it into light.

"And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them.

I will turn the darkness before them into LIGHT, the rough places into level ground.

These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them."

- Isaiah 42:16

"In all their affliction he was afflicted,
and the angel of his presence saved them;
in his love and in his pity he redeemed them;
he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old."

-Isaiah 63:9

You give and You take away happiness.

Blessed be Your name.

I can feel my heart slowly coming back to me. :-)

It was a weird mixture of hard and easy to pursue God when depressed.

On one hand, it's hard because there is a lack of energy and passion in my life.

It is easy however, to fall on Him because there is nothing else. I don't want to lose that. There was something holy about the moments when I would lift my hands and praise God for His goodness when there was such deadness in my soul. It was so raw and real.

I am grateful for that time, even though I longed for and prayed for it to be over.

In every season,

God gives us what we need for us to glorify Him

in the way He wants us to at that time.

So what do I have now?

The ability to be passionate.

More energy to reach out to others and serve and love them.

What are my weaknesses now?

To forget my need.

To forget what is of ultimate importance.

To neglect the word and put my trust back in myself.

How can I keep from falling to those things?

Only by God's grace.

By admitting that I will tend, and will fall at times to those ways.

By daily remembering the gospel, my sin, my savior, my calling.

By filling my surroundings with reminders -

gospel centered music, flash cards, friends who remind me, etc.

Devotional plan for this Fall:

Continue working on the Bible in a Year Plan.

Work on my memory verses. 2 verses per week at a minimum.

(I should work on the books of the Bible I plan to memorize for my "18 Things" list)

here's my dilemma.

There are two options:

a) this is temporary me

b) this is new me

If this is temporary me, then in some time I will get the old me back.

This means: I should still pursue disaster relief and join the fire dept.

If this is the new me, then I need to adjust.

This means: switching to InfoSystems or Marketing major, becoming crafty, doing more events and weddings, etc. etc.

I'm going to give myself 1 month.

For now, I'm going to carry on like before. Fire dept. etc etc.

If in a month, I am still weird like this, I will re-asses and consider plan b.

I can see His hand.

Even in the scariest most tearful moments, I can see His hand.

Every time I feel at my end, I turn to Him.

That is His hand, His work, His drawing me.

I have felt tossed and tumbled, but never not-anchored.

I have felt confused but never lost.

I have felt angry, but He has turned that to joy and trust, not bitterness.

Even when I let go, He holds on.

I see His hand so clearly in my weakness.

I see it so clearly.

I don't know what's coming.

I know His hand won't let me go.

I trust Him.

--

	We are pressed but not crushed, perplexed but don't despair. We are persecuted but not abandoned. We are no longer slaves, we are daughters and sons. And when we are weak, we are very strong. For neither death nor life nor present nor future nor depth nor height can keep us from the love of Christ. This rings so true for me right now. I see His hand in that I was perplexed but I didn't despair.

strength of heart

strength of heart

isn't the ability to not feel anything

or always to remain emotionally attached to good

it is the courage

to decide what i know

to choose good

when all in me screams to give in, to give up.

--

i think so often

how can i work hard for a better tomorrow beyond this

when i don't want tomorrow.

i thought i would be a fighter.

my God i cling to You, don't let me go.

baby room animal prints

https://www.theanimalprintshop.com/

easily forgotten..

THE ONLY WAY OUT

IS THROUGH.

It's cliche, easily forgotten, but also true.

And I change my approach when I remember it.

--

I feel like this season of my life is a big smear.

And I'm afraid I'll look back on it.. as a big smear.

I probably will.

But I know I will look back on this whole life as a blur.

There is something else, something after, something eternal.

my hope is set.

oh setbacks.

i have been out of bed for 6.5 hours.

i want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep.

i really hope this is just the meds.

i really hope i'm not like this at school next week.

..

i would really like these things.

but on further thought, they are not my hope.

"For this end we toil and strive,

Because we have our hope set on the living God,

who is the Savior of all people,

especially of those who believe."

- 1 Timothy 4:10

stuff to do in room

just writing this to help myself keep track:

- princess crown decal / vinyl sticker on mirror

- beside bedroom door: framed, under glass (so i can use dry erase marker) - a list of week/weekend tasks and packing items for life in cp & gburg

- something framed and light colored in between closet doors, over the necklace holders.

- frame for new paining from mrs robb

- mount framed enjoy it poster.

- put mirror onto wall by door.

- move bed to go in the other direction (maybe?)