defeat or bravery

Am I admitting defeat or am I being brave about my limitations?

Today I applied for handicap parking so that I won't have to keep walking a mile to and between classes. It's kind of an awkward milestone in this whole sickness thing.

awkwardly morbid hope

Tonight was one of those nights where you cry yourself into realizing you can't sleep because your nose is now to runny sort of nights.

The good news is that these times lend themselves to great and meaningful scripture reading, and end wonderful and rich. :)

Tonight I was taken aback by how deeply wonderful, though awkwardly morbid, this passage is for a sicky like me:

For I know that my Redeemer lives,
And at the last he will stand upon the earth.
And after my skin has thus been destroyed,
Yet in my flesh I shall see God.
-Psalm 19:25-26


(Uploaded from my Blackberry)

THESE DAYS (July '11)

These days:

I'm obsessed with...
- stretching
- lemonade

I'm spending my time...
- at the national archives, raking in the summer $$.

I'm trying to...
- be able to do the splits in 30 days
- avoid foods with lots of added sugar

I'm realizing...
- how self-centered i am
- how lazy i am with tasks i don't enjoy

I'm changing...
- how i view the word: less about me, more God and others
- how i approach tasks that i don't enjoy

His ways are not our ways.

"lyme tired"

It's almost 3am, and I'm happily studying for my economics final exam. I'm happy because I'm feeling pretty great energy and strength wise. I feel simultaneously able to go to sleep, or run a few miles. I realize as I have that thought, that this is how I used to feel all the time. I would get tired, I would want to go to bed, but I would have physical strength. My current state, although it's doesn't always work this well, is due to the Cymbalta I'm taking. I've often struggled to describe the kind of fatigue that I have from lyme. In January, I did a little experiment in which I counted how many push-ups I could do each day. Some days I would be exhausted by 5, some days, I was still feeling strong when I finished at 30. The problem isn't a fatigue that causes lethargy that leads to muscle loss - I have all the muscle to do all 30 each day. The problem is that somehow, on some days, our body won't let us use the muscles. I don't know much at all about the physiology of how all this works. What I do know is that the Cymbalta drug I'm taking is a norepinephrine and serotonin reu-ptake inhibitor class anti-depressant. According to all the official websites out there, people don't know how this stuff actually works in your brain. On less official (but more awesome - crazymeds.com) websites I've read that it coats your neurons and that's how it helps with my nerve pain. Anyways, even though I still get tired very often on the Cymbalta, ever since going on it, I've always felt STRONG and ABLE. Before going on it, I felt like you feel when you can't open a jar in your kitchen, but about everything. Anyways, just getting this out there, while this moment of clarity lasts - so I can reference this later. :-) I tend to forget how I actually FELT in the past, but only remember how certain pain/fatigue affected me, or how I described it.

one thing at a time.

Recently I've been finding myself overwhelmed with the number of tasks, to the point that I end up ineffective at everything. Half the solution was just realizing the problem's root. Now when I sit down at my desk and start to freeze up, I just pause and clear my mind - then I think of one project to get started on. I've also made a couple changes to my work structure...

- Turned Spaces off on my Macbook
- Don't open a ton of Safari tabs to read later
- Cut my Google Reader down to 15 blogs
- Make new tasks lists for the day, or for the evening
(instead of just looking at the master list again and again).

watch stuff grow.

I recently spent a half hour finding this article online. It's a favorite of mine - I read it back when I wasn't doing so well in the Fall with being sick, struggling with the depression and change of it all, and just an overall sense of failure that came with my new limits. http://articles.latimes.com/2010/sep/21/opinion/la-oe-weaver-pumpkins-20100921

xoxo
Hope you are well.

THESE DAYS (april'11)

These days..

I'M OBSESSED WITH
- using grocery bags as a shower cap
- jergens body lotion, xoxo
- scrubbing down my skin with my loofa
- KIND fruit and nut bars
- glitter nail polish

I'M DOING SWELL AT
- keeping room clean; laundry all put away
- taking my vitamins every day
- crazy good dental hygiene: brush, floss, tongue-scrape, rinse.
- staying calm and relaxed about life and responsibilities

NEED TO PICK UP MY SLACK IN
- making my bed
- going to my govt job. flexibility = lazy brielle.
- going to more of my college classes
- reading my economics books

I'M LISTENING TO
- "Falling In" by Lifehouse
- "Colder Weather" by Zac Brown Band
- "Somewhere with You" by Kenny Chesney

--
in time of daffodils who know
the goal of living is to grow
- ee cummings

the girl effect

Love this video.

you get through.

There's something surprisingly empowering about getting through a rough time. Even if you tripped a couple times, messed up, and cried a lot of tears - you got through, and it was good. There's a kind of fearless about the future that is born. It's not that you don't care, or cannot be hurt. There are plenty of hopes and fears; dreams are the potential for disappointments. No, it's not a crazed rushing ahead, or a dull-hearted apathy. You just know that no matter what happens, you'll hold on, and you'll get through, and you'll love, and it will be good.

I remember towards the end of my summer of antibiotics, a few days before going off of them, I realized that I had made it through, that I had won. And then I realized, we cannot lose. What is winning? Staying alive? Not losing our faith? Getting up despite stumbles and falls? Because of the Holy Spirit in me, no matter what, I won't be let go. No matter how I react, he will redirect my gaze. No matter what happens in my body, I will be brought safely home.