the girl effect

Love this video.

you get through.

There's something surprisingly empowering about getting through a rough time. Even if you tripped a couple times, messed up, and cried a lot of tears - you got through, and it was good. There's a kind of fearless about the future that is born. It's not that you don't care, or cannot be hurt. There are plenty of hopes and fears; dreams are the potential for disappointments. No, it's not a crazed rushing ahead, or a dull-hearted apathy. You just know that no matter what happens, you'll hold on, and you'll get through, and you'll love, and it will be good.

I remember towards the end of my summer of antibiotics, a few days before going off of them, I realized that I had made it through, that I had won. And then I realized, we cannot lose. What is winning? Staying alive? Not losing our faith? Getting up despite stumbles and falls? Because of the Holy Spirit in me, no matter what, I won't be let go. No matter how I react, he will redirect my gaze. No matter what happens in my body, I will be brought safely home.

One year with lyme.

These last two weeks I have been celebrating my 1 year anniversary with lyme disease.

I'm much calmer about life these days. I've found that most everything can be put back together. And, when they cant be put together and we fall apart at the loss and change, we can be put back together.

This means you don't have to worry about failing, messing up, letting people down, or ruining your life. Just plant seeds in whatever season you find yourself in. Trust God to make things grow, rejoice when he does, submit to his pruning, and trust when you don't know how the seeds will take root.

One of my favorite life-will-be-okay-songs to listen to is Rob Thomas' "Little Wonders." Our lives are made of "these little wonders - these twists and turns of fate." I really, really don't like lyme disease. It's annoying. But this little twist has been a wonder. I love how far I've come, and don't regret this last year. My life, and my person has changed and morphed in good ways. I'm calm, I trust the Lord more, I'm not as obsessed with my works and abilities. Most of all, there's this deep love and happiness. I'm am often weary of life, yet there's this different sort of happiness, it's calm and steady love for God and others that causes me to enjoy the days here.

Looking ahead still scares me a lot. I have no idea how certain things are going to fall into place this year, let alone for the rest of my life with this disease. I can give my babies lyme through the freaking placenta and breast milk. (a. yes i just said that and b. yes i think way to far ahead..) But I know that a year ago, this year looked like darkness, and that darkness has turned to light. Tomorrow, and 20 years from now, will be the same way.

And man, it feels good to be done with year 1.

the miracle of tryptophan

Two things that I never thought I would find extraordinary:
- I have only cried once a week the last two weeks
- Each time, the trigger and feeling happy again afterwards, all happened within 5 minutes.

Rewind to all of the Fall semester when it was great to only cry five days out of seven, and when an attack would mean 2.5 hours intense tears. (Due to my Lyme and remnants from the medications I took in the Summer).

I learned so much during that time, but am still so happy to be through it, and back to normal. The ability to be upset, and then think about something else, and be okay - it's a chemical miracle to me now.

my word of the year: step

(more coming. it's written in my journal, just have to type it up.)

Misconception

Today I realized why I have been looking forward to the Spring Semester so much. I have this subconscious and false belief that going back to school will suddenly usher in sunshine and warmth. I picture the semester, and I picture myself on our backyard facing roof, tanning, sipping lemonade. I think two weeks from now I'll find myself in a very different reality, but in the meantime, I'm going to keep pretending. And if nothing else, I can't get to the sunshine without going through the school, so it's a happy step to happy things.

Output.

Sometimes (like right now for example), I freak out about my massive uselessness. I keep screwing up, keep messing up. I feel like I'm a kid - I get a lot wrong, and can't keep on top of things. Except I'm supposed to somehow fund my life now. It's not adding up, and it's falling apart. What's the point of me being here? I'm just a black hole of resources - will I ever create a positive benefit in this world? Or will I just keep up falling behind, taking, needing, subtracting? But there's this idea that gives me a bit of light: maybe the best thing I can give and create, maybe what the world needs most, isn't economic output but love.

Trust inspiring action

Trusting God for my future in realms of career and usefulness gives me peace, but doesn't encourage laziness. If I really believe that God wants to use me, and will make it happen despite my weakness and inability to find my way without him, I won't want to react by waiting around and doing nothing. On the contrary, if I really believe that God WILL use me, I should find myself peacefully working hard to prepare in whatever areas I think he might call me in. Knocking on doors that I think he might call me through, building skills I hope he might use.

they somehow already know

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

- Steve Jobs

all we are is love.
(and they can never keep you from loving, no matter what they try,
and all our failures to love are covered by the greatest love).