It's an awful big world and awful scary life.

Every day, year, good and bad decision.

I'll never get any of it back.

It could be spectacular,

it could be horrific.

But I have a calling and a hope that is unshaken.

No matter what this life holds,

I am called to walk this road aiming to glorify Christ.

And I have the hope of heaven, eternity.

I think we're meant to be scared by the passing of time, so uncontrollable. I believe we're meant to be scared by anything less than eternity.

I think I think too much.

Some people try to face this world by declaring massive optimism and embracing whatever may come .

I don't think that's enough.

But God is enough.

Because it's what we were made for.

Nothing else fixes things.

diligence.

Great article by Mark Altrogge on diligence.

Depression.

Now that I'm better, things look different, but my sinful nature remains. I still have to make a conscious decision to pursue God, to have Him as the source of my joy, to remember Him through my day.

--

While I couldn't just make myself feel happy, reminding myself of key truths had a big impact on my mind. For example, thinking through how God has proven His love by the cross, or how people throughout all time have relied on Him and not been let down, inspired me to be diligent and do the tasks He had called me to even when I didn't feel like moving.

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Depression is not an excuse to sin, but can definitely have chemical causes. Switching medicine cleared up the problem for me, but if I had the same symptoms for an extended period of time in future, I would strongly consider getting medicine to help.

--

God walks with us through every season He calls us through.

new lyme meds + feeling better :-)

I switched to amoxicillin Sunday night - one of the best decisions of my year. I had been on doxycycline for 6 weeks, ever since the day I was diagnosed (May 19th) with lyme.

MY LIFE IS NO LONGER A BIG BLACK ABYSS OF SCARY NOTHINGNESS.

aka - my depression wasn't caused by lyme, it was a side affect of the doxycycline.

I didn't know this, because I associated all the symptoms together since I've been on the meds for so long.

So many times I was confused about the depression. I didn't know if I was making things up in my head, if I was causing it. However, now that I am on the amoxicillin it's like night and day. I'll try to explain it, I hope this isn't weird, haha.

Now that I'm "normal" it's not like I'm bursting with happiness all the time. It's normal. I now remember this being how I feel all the time, all my life. It's like you're a buoy floating in the water. There are down moments and up moments, but you bounce back to a happy norm. On the meds, it was like I was drowning. I would sometimes get up to the surface for a breath of fresh air, but it lasted for a moment and then I was underwater again. Weird metaphor, but it's all I can think of to describe the difference.

Anyways, it's WONDERFUL.

Unexpected, weird, sudden, I'm hoping it's here to stay, but regardless

I LOVE IT. And I'm so grateful.

today

today was hard.

looked in a mirror partway through and i looked like a raccoon with huge dark circles. not even kidding. and i spent most of the day on the verge of tears. which was fun because i worked at the receptionist desk at my church all day. fortunately, nothing tipped me over the edge. i didn't cry at all until now as i type all this, which is fine because i'm alone eating a potato. :-)

today was good.

i was reminded of God's nearness and care.

i laughed at things.

i was reminded that God has a plan to use me.

the other day i was talking to someone and they said they had an impression that the Lord would use me in a certain way. the biggest surprise to me was the idea that God was going to use me in a specific way one day. that He could use me. the biggest thing right now is just huge inadequacy and just massive difficulty in getting through each day. it's incredibly comforting and happy to think that in time i will help, serve and minister to others again. i guess i did last week with all the kiddos at the camp, but it was so indirect.

aaand now i'm crying more.

wanting to just know when this will end, that it will end.

someday, sometime. i will get my life back.

reminded that i find, should find, my life, hope, and identity in Christ.

and that if I do, it can't be shaken. ever.

need to work on that. :-)

--

“God often helps when there is least hope, and saves His people in that way which they think will destroy. There is never a providence of God, but has either a mercy or a wonder in it. How stupendous and infinite is that wisdom, that makes the most adverse dispensations work for the good of His children.

thomas watson

Lyme: Goals and tasks.

One of the biggest things I'm going to have to figure out if the lyme doesn't go away:

When to lessen up on myself, when to push myself.

For example, the idea of taking a bunch of boring, hard, academic classes this Fall is concerning. I'm honestly not sure I'll be able to make myself work hard. So should I push through, or should I take some graphic design and computer programming classes and just make it a light happy semester? Don't know, don't know..

Lyme.

First of all, I'm not blogging this to score pity points. It's just helpful for me to put this here. To get it off my chest. To have it here to read later. There's something about talking and writing that help me think.

I have had lyme for a little over 3 months now. That's not a very long time, but it's not getting any better. The biggest issue is the constant weariness and the feeling that I just don't care. Even things that I have minor emotion for aren't the same - a good movie, a yummy meal - I just get a slice of enjoyment. There's a big temptation to be angry that I can't have my old life and my old energy back. I was looking through photos of the Spring semester and it helped. I do have some good memories, there were moments of laughter. But in all honesty, they seem speckled through across the smear that is the last 3 months. That's life - a giant smear I'm trying to survive. I am not trying to say that my life is horrible and I fight to survive, I am just saying that this is how it feels.

The biggest issue is looking at the future. I want to have faith and joy. I want to glorify God. My initial feeling is always fear. I don't know what I'm going to do if it doesn't go away, I really don't know. The idea of facing another semester like this scares me to the point of tears.

But this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him."

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him.

(lamentations 3:21-25)

So many times I've had the thought, "This is going to knock the life out of me." Each time I'm reminded that if my life is Christ, it can't be knocked out of me.

"The Lord is my portion, therefore I will hope in him." I have no clue what the Fall semester will look like. I can't joyfully expect things to go my way, or for me to be healed. I can desire that, pray for that, but I will be let down if I hope in that. But I have a better portion than that. The Lord is my portion, and my glorious portion, and my certain portion. I can hope, I can joyfully anticipate His nearness, love, and active work this Fall, and for the rest of my days.

The Anti-Lyme Plan

I was diagnosed with Lyme disease a few days back, May 19th 2010.
I seem to have had it since late March, and they're putting me on doxycycline...

number one

no plan, formula, or list can fix me.

my biggest goal and my only hope is in God.

before all things, and in all things, my goal is to glorify Him.

and only through His strength can I do this.

and He will provide strength.

and when I fail, when I fall

He will arrange for it to glorify Him.

He’s sovereign like that.

number two

if my goal is God’s glory, I am happy to do it His way.

this means that there are no setbacks, delays, or obstacles. just situations that He has ordained. yes, I didn’t plan it this way. no, it doesn’t make sense to me. this is okay because I know He know’s whats up, and will work it for good. it may, to me, looks like a windy wrong-direction road, going backwards, or painful and useless. but its not a diverstion from the plan, it was planned. it’s not useless, it’s perfect. perfect.

number three

this is not the worst thing that could happen to me.

mostly because it’s the best thing that could happen to me.

basically because God’s in charge.

“How will he then not graciously give us all things?”

number four

i will look back with no regrets.

i will look back with joy and faith

He never fails.

number five

brief pause to recall that not only can i not despair because of these truths, but i also don’t deserve any of this. i sprurned God, i sinned, i deserve eternal death and punishment. “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us..”

number six

i will try to be others focused.

i know this is annoying, but let’s face it. life is about God, not me.

so i want to glorify Him.

i want to love otheres.

I want to put God first, others second, me third.

this means making effort and using energy to reach out, hear about their life, care for them, worry about their problems, encourage them.

number seven

the only way to be others focused is to keep working to be God focused.

otherwise it’s me,me,me.

number eight

i vow to get rid of my yellow tongue.

it’s so strange.

gift ideas for girls.

i'm big on practical but special gifts.

things you can use, really want, but might not spend the money to buy for yourself.

- orla kiely stuff http://www.orlakiely.com/usa/

- sally hansen nail polish

- iTunes songs, not giftcard, but gift them a song on their bday, or just because.

ten books in twenty-ten

1. Rediscoving Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

2. Why We Love the Church by Kevin DeYoung &

3. Flight by Sherman Alexi

4. A Sweet and Bitter Providence by John Piper (July - )

5. The Consequence of Ideas by RC Sproul

5. Made to Stick by Chip Heath & Dan Heath (August - )

6. Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller

7. Confessions by Augustine

8. Checklist Manifesto (August - )

9. Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammet

10. A Praying Life by Paul Miller (June - )

other possibilities

- Too Big to Fail

- The Happiness Project

- Switch

- Rework