Rebuilding from Scratch

I feel very numb today.
As thought I slept all day and am in a fog.
At least this evening I'm somehow not tired..which is different.

But very much feeling the things I felt this summer -
apathetic about life
apathetic about my future
apathetic about things that i think i would have found fun in the past?
i enjoy things and kind of look forward to them, but not really
there's nothing months that i'm looking fw'd to.
days seem to have no number, no difference
despair
i'm scared by small tasks - going to the bank to cash checks.
i have a very hard time getting through 2 hours of work at NARA
i feel incredibly victorious after organizing a drawer or mailing the rent

I'm scared to admit I'm like this - to myself, to others.
I'm afraid people will think I am useless, I am afraid that I am useless.

.. crying now as I type this. and just praying to God, "help me, help me."
I remember last time I went thought this, and He met me in the lowest places.
And I don't know what will work from this, but He is good and does good.
I feel pathetic that I'm going through this again, even though I'm not on medicines.
I don't know what's wrong. If it's just my heart. My sin. My discontent.

--

I don't want to trust in a plan, or in distractions, or in things that make me feeeel happy.
But I think that a combination is good - of truth and motivators.
And so right now I'm going to have my devotions. But then I'm going to clean because it helps.

This week my scary obstacles to overcome are:
- Drive to bank and cash checks
(I should do this tomorrow - wednesday)
- call university about healthcare waiver,
didn't get to this over the summer. :P
- Go to Fire Dept proby training (on Friday night)