Lyme: Goals and tasks.

One of the biggest things I'm going to have to figure out if the lyme doesn't go away:

When to lessen up on myself, when to push myself.

For example, the idea of taking a bunch of boring, hard, academic classes this Fall is concerning. I'm honestly not sure I'll be able to make myself work hard. So should I push through, or should I take some graphic design and computer programming classes and just make it a light happy semester? Don't know, don't know..

Lyme.

First of all, I'm not blogging this to score pity points. It's just helpful for me to put this here. To get it off my chest. To have it here to read later. There's something about talking and writing that help me think.

I have had lyme for a little over 3 months now. That's not a very long time, but it's not getting any better. The biggest issue is the constant weariness and the feeling that I just don't care. Even things that I have minor emotion for aren't the same - a good movie, a yummy meal - I just get a slice of enjoyment. There's a big temptation to be angry that I can't have my old life and my old energy back. I was looking through photos of the Spring semester and it helped. I do have some good memories, there were moments of laughter. But in all honesty, they seem speckled through across the smear that is the last 3 months. That's life - a giant smear I'm trying to survive. I am not trying to say that my life is horrible and I fight to survive, I am just saying that this is how it feels.

The biggest issue is looking at the future. I want to have faith and joy. I want to glorify God. My initial feeling is always fear. I don't know what I'm going to do if it doesn't go away, I really don't know. The idea of facing another semester like this scares me to the point of tears.

But this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him."

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him.

(lamentations 3:21-25)

So many times I've had the thought, "This is going to knock the life out of me." Each time I'm reminded that if my life is Christ, it can't be knocked out of me.

"The Lord is my portion, therefore I will hope in him." I have no clue what the Fall semester will look like. I can't joyfully expect things to go my way, or for me to be healed. I can desire that, pray for that, but I will be let down if I hope in that. But I have a better portion than that. The Lord is my portion, and my glorious portion, and my certain portion. I can hope, I can joyfully anticipate His nearness, love, and active work this Fall, and for the rest of my days.

The Anti-Lyme Plan

I was diagnosed with Lyme disease a few days back, May 19th 2010.
I seem to have had it since late March, and they're putting me on doxycycline...

number one

no plan, formula, or list can fix me.

my biggest goal and my only hope is in God.

before all things, and in all things, my goal is to glorify Him.

and only through His strength can I do this.

and He will provide strength.

and when I fail, when I fall

He will arrange for it to glorify Him.

He’s sovereign like that.

number two

if my goal is God’s glory, I am happy to do it His way.

this means that there are no setbacks, delays, or obstacles. just situations that He has ordained. yes, I didn’t plan it this way. no, it doesn’t make sense to me. this is okay because I know He know’s whats up, and will work it for good. it may, to me, looks like a windy wrong-direction road, going backwards, or painful and useless. but its not a diverstion from the plan, it was planned. it’s not useless, it’s perfect. perfect.

number three

this is not the worst thing that could happen to me.

mostly because it’s the best thing that could happen to me.

basically because God’s in charge.

“How will he then not graciously give us all things?”

number four

i will look back with no regrets.

i will look back with joy and faith

He never fails.

number five

brief pause to recall that not only can i not despair because of these truths, but i also don’t deserve any of this. i sprurned God, i sinned, i deserve eternal death and punishment. “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us..”

number six

i will try to be others focused.

i know this is annoying, but let’s face it. life is about God, not me.

so i want to glorify Him.

i want to love otheres.

I want to put God first, others second, me third.

this means making effort and using energy to reach out, hear about their life, care for them, worry about their problems, encourage them.

number seven

the only way to be others focused is to keep working to be God focused.

otherwise it’s me,me,me.

number eight

i vow to get rid of my yellow tongue.

it’s so strange.

gift ideas for girls.

i'm big on practical but special gifts.

things you can use, really want, but might not spend the money to buy for yourself.

- orla kiely stuff http://www.orlakiely.com/usa/

- sally hansen nail polish

- iTunes songs, not giftcard, but gift them a song on their bday, or just because.

ten books in twenty-ten

1. Rediscoving Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

2. Why We Love the Church by Kevin DeYoung &

3. Flight by Sherman Alexi

4. A Sweet and Bitter Providence by John Piper (July - )

5. The Consequence of Ideas by RC Sproul

5. Made to Stick by Chip Heath & Dan Heath (August - )

6. Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller

7. Confessions by Augustine

8. Checklist Manifesto (August - )

9. Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammet

10. A Praying Life by Paul Miller (June - )

other possibilities

- Too Big to Fail

- The Happiness Project

- Switch

- Rework

My cubicle at work.

I work at the National Archives II here in College Park.

Soooo this is my very first cubicle:

:)

God is my future.

Today, during worship at church, Josh Harris came up on stage and prayed/said some things that really struck me in new ways.

One of the comments was something along the lines of "Lord, you are my future."

In one of my favorite John Mayer songs, it says "So scared of getting older, only good being young."

I tend to have this train of thought most of the time - scared and small looking at the future and the world I'll walk through it in.

While it isn't wrong to be miss childhood and realize that adulthood involves a lot, I think changing this perspective can helping me glorify God more, worry less, have more joy. etc.

IF THE LORD IS MY FUTURE

- I have a good and joy filled future.

- I don't have to worry about my job. It isn't my future. God is.

- I don't have to worry about who I will marry, if I will marry, if he will freaking die on me. God is my future, not my husband.

- My financial situation isn't my future.

- My grades aren't my future.

- Wasting time by making a decision or changing my mind isn't my future.

All these things are in my future.

God will work through these decisions and events to glorify Him.

But these things are not the core, the theme, the hope of my future.

God is my future and I couldn't be happier.

confession

i think in bullets. school required paragraphs.

i find it difficult to translate my bullets into sentences and paragraphs for school.

Spring Bouquet

I love this spring bouquet. (Found via The Bride's Cafe.)

Knitting

I used to scoff at knitting.

Now I'm not so sure...

(handmade baby elephant from purlbee.)

The thing that's getting me is this - if you can knit, you can have whatever you want as long as you have the yarn and the patience (cute things that you can't buy, scarves in any color)..

And so, I might make it a goal this year to (re-)learn to knit.