my word of the year: step

(more coming. it's written in my journal, just have to type it up.)

Misconception

Today I realized why I have been looking forward to the Spring Semester so much. I have this subconscious and false belief that going back to school will suddenly usher in sunshine and warmth. I picture the semester, and I picture myself on our backyard facing roof, tanning, sipping lemonade. I think two weeks from now I'll find myself in a very different reality, but in the meantime, I'm going to keep pretending. And if nothing else, I can't get to the sunshine without going through the school, so it's a happy step to happy things.

Output.

Sometimes (like right now for example), I freak out about my massive uselessness. I keep screwing up, keep messing up. I feel like I'm a kid - I get a lot wrong, and can't keep on top of things. Except I'm supposed to somehow fund my life now. It's not adding up, and it's falling apart. What's the point of me being here? I'm just a black hole of resources - will I ever create a positive benefit in this world? Or will I just keep up falling behind, taking, needing, subtracting? But there's this idea that gives me a bit of light: maybe the best thing I can give and create, maybe what the world needs most, isn't economic output but love.

Trust inspiring action

Trusting God for my future in realms of career and usefulness gives me peace, but doesn't encourage laziness. If I really believe that God wants to use me, and will make it happen despite my weakness and inability to find my way without him, I won't want to react by waiting around and doing nothing. On the contrary, if I really believe that God WILL use me, I should find myself peacefully working hard to prepare in whatever areas I think he might call me in. Knocking on doors that I think he might call me through, building skills I hope he might use.

they somehow already know

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

- Steve Jobs

all we are is love.
(and they can never keep you from loving, no matter what they try,
and all our failures to love are covered by the greatest love).

THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN DEPRESSED

I had another bout of food triggered depression. I wasn't careful to read the label on my non-dairy creamer and it contains casein. As my mind is clearing up, I'm trying to type up the things God showed me through my depression this week, as well as observations for how I can do better handing this in the future. (It happens every time I accidentally have any gluten or casein, so it's bound to be a common thing I'll get to work through.)

FEAR / LOOKING AHEAD
In these times, I become especially frantic. Last summer, this manifested itself in fear about going back to school. This week, it was fear about money for tuition this semester, and being able to carry on in life with this level of mess in my mind and body.

IF I AM FAITHLESS HE IS FAITHFUL
This truth has become so precious to me.
This and the one about "if you call on my name you will be saved."
If I have called upon Jesus' name to be saved, I'm set. I'M SET.
No matter what happens between here and there, I am saved.
I could worship God every day, repent from any sins, and encourage others.
I could lose my mind, commit suicide. I'm still set.
This is a huge comfort at times when I feel like I can't even control my own mind.

"TAKE EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE"
When there's something chemically wrong with me, it is significantly harder to believe truth. To calm myself down once something triggers a panic, to not feel like everything's all horrible. While I can't necessarily change how I feel, I am called to try, and I am called to preach truth to myself. I am also promised that there's "no temptation that's not common to man without a way of escape"

SPELL OUT MY THOUGHTS
One way to help myself take my thoughts captive, is to figure out what they really are. I find it helpful to write out fears and lies on the left side of a page, and to on the right side refute them with scripture and realities I know about God.

another recipe blog

http://cannelle-vanille.blogspot.com/
Not all gf, but a lot of them are and everything has great photos.

This week has been another rough one. I've been feeling this sort of half deadness. Like in Pirates of the Caribbean, where all those cursed pirates would rather be mortal than have the "food turn to ash" in their mouths and all that jazz. Probably not the most helpful of analogies for me to be dwelling on. It's in between normal and out-of-body experience. From the times that I've done google searches, I know that this is not unusual for the lyme-diseased.

A lot of it has to do with goals and desires. I don't have career ambitions. I feel useless, pointless. I don't have that life in your blood feeling - the thrill and wonder to live. Thinking about this has causes some little breakdowns a few times this week, especially when I'm trying to fall asleep at night.

I've dealt with sadness, depression, and even bitterness over this issue. I've spent most of this afternoon tearing up. The lifelessness makes me question why I should even live. I quickly become bitter wondering why God would have me be here but not have my heart all here. What a silly question. I'm not sure what made me think that I need to have my heart all here. JC Ryle addresses this in his booklet Sickness, writing that "Surely anything that obliges us to alter the way we measure earthly things is a real good." He says that sickness "exposes the emptiness and hollowness of what the world calls 'good' things and teaches us to hold them with a loose hand." In this specific context Ryle doesn't state the following, but I believe the idea is incomplete without this - that measuring earthly things correctly, and holding them with a loose hand opens us up to this: holding with firm grip, and being ever more held by, the reality of heaven, the truth of God, and the hope in eternity. The goal of seeing this world as temporary is to see God's glory as eternal. I don't just let go of old dreams and old goals, I get picked up and carried forth by new and greater ones. That is why it is good when sickness makes me re-evaluate.

Also, reading this was a huge huge help.

etc

in hope & in courage

they sometimes say that love always wins

i know that love has already won.

--

current obsessions:

stars

courage

tattoos

pain throws your heart to the ground

love turns the whole thing around