Finals Inspiration

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Turn on the lights.

There was some Dumbledore quote on Pinterest about "turning on the lights" and finding happiness. I saw it the other day and realized how poorly I've done this semester in regards to positivity.

Last Spring I was all about how I had multiple jobs and no free time. So I quit my job in August at the Archives for a low-work and low-money semester. What I didn't realize is how hard this would actually be. No spending money, no pedicures, and no financial padding when I crashed my car and needed to repair it. As I liked to put it every week, "My life was utterly horrific." And believe me, it's been stressful. But the stress aside, I didn't realize what I had - a lot of time.

I could go back and realize how I could do everything differently, but that won't gain me much. So I'm going to think about today, these last weeks of school, and the holidays. I don't have a ton of money for presents, and that does bug me a lot. But I have this time, and I can do my best. Big presents for everyone is out of my reach, it's not within my best. My best will have to look different this month. But it's a real thing, and a good thing, and I can achieve it. :)

defeat or bravery

Am I admitting defeat or am I being brave about my limitations?

Today I applied for handicap parking so that I won't have to keep walking a mile to and between classes. It's kind of an awkward milestone in this whole sickness thing.

awkwardly morbid hope

Tonight was one of those nights where you cry yourself into realizing you can't sleep because your nose is now to runny sort of nights.

The good news is that these times lend themselves to great and meaningful scripture reading, and end wonderful and rich. :)

Tonight I was taken aback by how deeply wonderful, though awkwardly morbid, this passage is for a sicky like me:

For I know that my Redeemer lives,
And at the last he will stand upon the earth.
And after my skin has thus been destroyed,
Yet in my flesh I shall see God.
-Psalm 19:25-26


(Uploaded from my Blackberry)

THESE DAYS (July '11)

These days:

I'm obsessed with...
- stretching
- lemonade

I'm spending my time...
- at the national archives, raking in the summer $$.

I'm trying to...
- be able to do the splits in 30 days
- avoid foods with lots of added sugar

I'm realizing...
- how self-centered i am
- how lazy i am with tasks i don't enjoy

I'm changing...
- how i view the word: less about me, more God and others
- how i approach tasks that i don't enjoy

His ways are not our ways.

"lyme tired"

It's almost 3am, and I'm happily studying for my economics final exam. I'm happy because I'm feeling pretty great energy and strength wise. I feel simultaneously able to go to sleep, or run a few miles. I realize as I have that thought, that this is how I used to feel all the time. I would get tired, I would want to go to bed, but I would have physical strength. My current state, although it's doesn't always work this well, is due to the Cymbalta I'm taking. I've often struggled to describe the kind of fatigue that I have from lyme. In January, I did a little experiment in which I counted how many push-ups I could do each day. Some days I would be exhausted by 5, some days, I was still feeling strong when I finished at 30. The problem isn't a fatigue that causes lethargy that leads to muscle loss - I have all the muscle to do all 30 each day. The problem is that somehow, on some days, our body won't let us use the muscles. I don't know much at all about the physiology of how all this works. What I do know is that the Cymbalta drug I'm taking is a norepinephrine and serotonin reu-ptake inhibitor class anti-depressant. According to all the official websites out there, people don't know how this stuff actually works in your brain. On less official (but more awesome - crazymeds.com) websites I've read that it coats your neurons and that's how it helps with my nerve pain. Anyways, even though I still get tired very often on the Cymbalta, ever since going on it, I've always felt STRONG and ABLE. Before going on it, I felt like you feel when you can't open a jar in your kitchen, but about everything. Anyways, just getting this out there, while this moment of clarity lasts - so I can reference this later. :-) I tend to forget how I actually FELT in the past, but only remember how certain pain/fatigue affected me, or how I described it.

one thing at a time.

Recently I've been finding myself overwhelmed with the number of tasks, to the point that I end up ineffective at everything. Half the solution was just realizing the problem's root. Now when I sit down at my desk and start to freeze up, I just pause and clear my mind - then I think of one project to get started on. I've also made a couple changes to my work structure...

- Turned Spaces off on my Macbook
- Don't open a ton of Safari tabs to read later
- Cut my Google Reader down to 15 blogs
- Make new tasks lists for the day, or for the evening
(instead of just looking at the master list again and again).

watch stuff grow.

I recently spent a half hour finding this article online. It's a favorite of mine - I read it back when I wasn't doing so well in the Fall with being sick, struggling with the depression and change of it all, and just an overall sense of failure that came with my new limits. http://articles.latimes.com/2010/sep/21/opinion/la-oe-weaver-pumpkins-20100921

xoxo
Hope you are well.

THESE DAYS (april'11)

These days..

I'M OBSESSED WITH
- using grocery bags as a shower cap
- jergens body lotion, xoxo
- scrubbing down my skin with my loofa
- KIND fruit and nut bars
- glitter nail polish

I'M DOING SWELL AT
- keeping room clean; laundry all put away
- taking my vitamins every day
- crazy good dental hygiene: brush, floss, tongue-scrape, rinse.
- staying calm and relaxed about life and responsibilities

NEED TO PICK UP MY SLACK IN
- making my bed
- going to my govt job. flexibility = lazy brielle.
- going to more of my college classes
- reading my economics books

I'M LISTENING TO
- "Falling In" by Lifehouse
- "Colder Weather" by Zac Brown Band
- "Somewhere with You" by Kenny Chesney

--
in time of daffodils who know
the goal of living is to grow
- ee cummings

the girl effect

Love this video.

you get through.

There's something surprisingly empowering about getting through a rough time. Even if you tripped a couple times, messed up, and cried a lot of tears - you got through, and it was good. There's a kind of fearless about the future that is born. It's not that you don't care, or cannot be hurt. There are plenty of hopes and fears; dreams are the potential for disappointments. No, it's not a crazed rushing ahead, or a dull-hearted apathy. You just know that no matter what happens, you'll hold on, and you'll get through, and you'll love, and it will be good.

I remember towards the end of my summer of antibiotics, a few days before going off of them, I realized that I had made it through, that I had won. And then I realized, we cannot lose. What is winning? Staying alive? Not losing our faith? Getting up despite stumbles and falls? Because of the Holy Spirit in me, no matter what, I won't be let go. No matter how I react, he will redirect my gaze. No matter what happens in my body, I will be brought safely home.

One year with lyme.

These last two weeks I have been celebrating my 1 year anniversary with lyme disease.

I'm much calmer about life these days. I've found that most everything can be put back together. And, when they cant be put together and we fall apart at the loss and change, we can be put back together.

This means you don't have to worry about failing, messing up, letting people down, or ruining your life. Just plant seeds in whatever season you find yourself in. Trust God to make things grow, rejoice when he does, submit to his pruning, and trust when you don't know how the seeds will take root.

One of my favorite life-will-be-okay-songs to listen to is Rob Thomas' "Little Wonders." Our lives are made of "these little wonders - these twists and turns of fate." I really, really don't like lyme disease. It's annoying. But this little twist has been a wonder. I love how far I've come, and don't regret this last year. My life, and my person has changed and morphed in good ways. I'm calm, I trust the Lord more, I'm not as obsessed with my works and abilities. Most of all, there's this deep love and happiness. I'm am often weary of life, yet there's this different sort of happiness, it's calm and steady love for God and others that causes me to enjoy the days here.

Looking ahead still scares me a lot. I have no idea how certain things are going to fall into place this year, let alone for the rest of my life with this disease. I can give my babies lyme through the freaking placenta and breast milk. (a. yes i just said that and b. yes i think way to far ahead..) But I know that a year ago, this year looked like darkness, and that darkness has turned to light. Tomorrow, and 20 years from now, will be the same way.

And man, it feels good to be done with year 1.

the miracle of tryptophan

Two things that I never thought I would find extraordinary:
- I have only cried once a week the last two weeks
- Each time, the trigger and feeling happy again afterwards, all happened within 5 minutes.

Rewind to all of the Fall semester when it was great to only cry five days out of seven, and when an attack would mean 2.5 hours intense tears. (Due to my Lyme and remnants from the medications I took in the Summer).

I learned so much during that time, but am still so happy to be through it, and back to normal. The ability to be upset, and then think about something else, and be okay - it's a chemical miracle to me now.

my word of the year: step

(more coming. it's written in my journal, just have to type it up.)

Misconception

Today I realized why I have been looking forward to the Spring Semester so much. I have this subconscious and false belief that going back to school will suddenly usher in sunshine and warmth. I picture the semester, and I picture myself on our backyard facing roof, tanning, sipping lemonade. I think two weeks from now I'll find myself in a very different reality, but in the meantime, I'm going to keep pretending. And if nothing else, I can't get to the sunshine without going through the school, so it's a happy step to happy things.

Output.

Sometimes (like right now for example), I freak out about my massive uselessness. I keep screwing up, keep messing up. I feel like I'm a kid - I get a lot wrong, and can't keep on top of things. Except I'm supposed to somehow fund my life now. It's not adding up, and it's falling apart. What's the point of me being here? I'm just a black hole of resources - will I ever create a positive benefit in this world? Or will I just keep up falling behind, taking, needing, subtracting? But there's this idea that gives me a bit of light: maybe the best thing I can give and create, maybe what the world needs most, isn't economic output but love.

Trust inspiring action

Trusting God for my future in realms of career and usefulness gives me peace, but doesn't encourage laziness. If I really believe that God wants to use me, and will make it happen despite my weakness and inability to find my way without him, I won't want to react by waiting around and doing nothing. On the contrary, if I really believe that God WILL use me, I should find myself peacefully working hard to prepare in whatever areas I think he might call me in. Knocking on doors that I think he might call me through, building skills I hope he might use.

they somehow already know

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

- Steve Jobs

all we are is love.
(and they can never keep you from loving, no matter what they try,
and all our failures to love are covered by the greatest love).