Dear Brielle, (3 years ago)

Dear Brielle,

(3 years ago, age 15,

junior year of high school)

1. It's okay to go to bed with homework unfinished. Doing 80% worth is not a personal act of disobedience to your teacher (especially when your parents wish you would just sleep). It is okay to decide to not do everything. Some things are worth lower grades. Like your health and sanity.

2. Moreover an occasional B or C doesn't actually affect your grade for that class too much. Pull out a calculator and determine what really matters for your teacher's grading rubric, and give yourself some guidelines that have breathing room.

3. You don't need to solve all the problems for homework, for your life, for other people.

4. You are going to realize at the end of this year that you did too much too soon. You will end up skipping 11th grade, which is fantastic. However, you'll still not have enough classes to take in 12th grade. You really could have left one off of this year's schedule.

5. Breathe, kid, breath. You end up with good grades. The drama production goes great. The summer camp is a blast. And you'll wish you could go back and tell yourself to laugh and not cry and not worry.

6. This year is very hard, but very good. You will have so many happy memories of late nights in the lobby painting cows with Becca, taking walks around the building with her looking for a prince charming model, and you'll even fondly recall the craziness of early morning chapel setups and late night ap government cramming.

7. You did the right thing moving on from him. It's hard. You will be friends with him again, but you're too young to make this decision and it was good to get out.

8. Don't cry when your math teacher fails two of your 150 assignments. It won't affect your average, really it won't.

9. You are not fat.

10. Don't leave your caffeine in the car when you go to take the SAT the 2nd time. You end up with a massive headache and fall asleep for half of it.

11. You don't eat and sleep enough and stress way too much. You don't have your period for the freaking entirety of this year. This is not healthy or normal, please be better to yourself.

12. Don't rush life. Be responsible by working hard. But also handle the time skillfully by enjoying it. You think this time is the worst thing ever, but it's beautiful and you're going to miss it.

Rebuilding from Scratch

I feel very numb today.
As thought I slept all day and am in a fog.
At least this evening I'm somehow not tired..which is different.

But very much feeling the things I felt this summer -
apathetic about life
apathetic about my future
apathetic about things that i think i would have found fun in the past?
i enjoy things and kind of look forward to them, but not really
there's nothing months that i'm looking fw'd to.
days seem to have no number, no difference
despair
i'm scared by small tasks - going to the bank to cash checks.
i have a very hard time getting through 2 hours of work at NARA
i feel incredibly victorious after organizing a drawer or mailing the rent

I'm scared to admit I'm like this - to myself, to others.
I'm afraid people will think I am useless, I am afraid that I am useless.

.. crying now as I type this. and just praying to God, "help me, help me."
I remember last time I went thought this, and He met me in the lowest places.
And I don't know what will work from this, but He is good and does good.
I feel pathetic that I'm going through this again, even though I'm not on medicines.
I don't know what's wrong. If it's just my heart. My sin. My discontent.

--

I don't want to trust in a plan, or in distractions, or in things that make me feeeel happy.
But I think that a combination is good - of truth and motivators.
And so right now I'm going to have my devotions. But then I'm going to clean because it helps.

This week my scary obstacles to overcome are:
- Drive to bank and cash checks
(I should do this tomorrow - wednesday)
- call university about healthcare waiver,
didn't get to this over the summer. :P
- Go to Fire Dept proby training (on Friday night)

heart issues

These last few days have been rough.
Sunday and Monday especially weary & those days and today just full of apathy and sadness.

Seeing and trying to see more of what's going on in my heart with all of this.

Anger.
I can be tempted to be angry at my situation, and especially at others. I'm not sure if it's envy that they don't have the darkness they have, or anger when they don't understand it. But anger is not good and not okay - I need to fight it.

Discontent
And I'm not sure what it is I want. I want for this to be over, but I don't know what that means. I don't know what this is and what I want to change. But I know I'm not embracing my situation. I need to remember that no change is what I need to be happy - God is enough, and more than enough, and a beautiful portion. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.

weakness & strength

if i am truly weak
and only God is strong

then i only get stronger
by relying more on Him
and only by seeing my weakness more clearly

so my prayers for God to strengthen me
are prayers to see myself more fully as weak?
which is a scary but good prayer.

My deepest need in weakness.

"The deepest need that you and I have in weakness and adversity
is not quick relief,
but the well-grounded confidence
that what is happening to us
is part of the greatest purpose of God in the universe -
the glorification of the grace and power of his Son -
the grace and power that bore him to the cross
and kept him there until the work of love was done.
That's what God is building into our lives."

John Piper

"Every single thing that happens to us expresses God's love to us, and comes to us for the furthering of God's purpose for us. Thus, so far as we are concerned, God is love to us--holy, omnipotent love--at every moment and in every event of every day's life. Even when we cannot see the why and the wherefore of God's dealings, we know that there is love in and behind them, and so we can rejoice always, even when, humanly speaking, things are going wrong. We know that the true story of our life, when known, will prove to be, as the hymn says, "mercy from first to last" -- and we are content."

J.I. Packer, Knowing God p. 123

ht: Girl Talk

i need to learn to make these gluten-free

http://www.goodlifeeats.com/2010/09/pumpkin-cinnamon-rolls.html

Do not eat fake cheese.

With this whole gluten free, dairy free thing, I'm learning not to force things. Most of the time, when I try to find a good substitute, it ends up as a depressing failure. That's what I found with the fake cheese pasta I had the other day. I couldn't even eat it.

Before I couldn't have gluten and dairy, there were plenty of other things I ate. It's just easy now to always be aware of what I can't have. There is, however, a wealth of wonderful food combos I can explore and experiment with. Instead of freaking out of not having cheese pasta, I can try different olive oil & spice combos. I can milk my basil plant for all it's worth. I can have pesto.

This week I spazzed over not being able to put cheese in my morning (or midnight) egg and english muffin combo. The first time, I bitterly ate it bland. The next day I calmed down enough to try other options. I put some honey dijon mustard on, and then added some raw honey - delicious.

From now on, I'm going to stop freaking out.
I don't want dairy, I don't want gluten - they make me feel bad.
I LOVE nuts, and soy milk, and rice flour crackers. I really do.
And I love my new way of making egg sandwiches.
And I can eat bacon and sushi - what more can I ask for? :-)

the purpose i find
when i behold my sin & my savior

is a greater
stronger
better purpose

than any purpose i might feel.
any thrill to live
and passion to walk this road.

(i am ever glad
for being forced
to look my life in the eye.)

//
and then when we opened our eyes,
we found that all that was left
were unshakable things.

the beginnings of a hope & a dream.

“Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you,
that he might sift you like wheat,
but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail.
And when you have turned again,
strengthen your brothers.”
Luke 22:31-32

the long seeking.

Come near to the holy men and women of the past and you will soon feel the heat of their desire after God. They mourned for Him, they prayed and wrestled and sought for Him day and night, in season and out, and when they had found Him the finding was all the sweeter for the long seeking.

- A. W. Tozer (The Pursuit of God)

A Happiness Manifesto

happy.

it seems like a fickle thing.

a thing not to be trusted.

a thing i have lost.

a thing i might not have again.

a thing that the bitter scorn.

i hear a lot about how we shouldn't strive for happy,

we should have joy.

i don't know what that means.

i like the word happy more.

i understand where they're coming from.

"doesn't God want me to be happy?"

people use happy as an excuse to sin.

but i don't want to excuse happy for that.

it's not happy's fault.

i think happy is good.

i think happy is right.

i think we were made to love happy.

i love happy.

we have emotions.

there is pain.

it is okay for happy to be shaken, for happy to fall down.

it is not the happy that doesn't shake,

it is the trust that doesn't shake

and this trust picks happy up again.

happy knows many things.

happy knows there is more than meets the eye.

happy knows i am never alone.

happy knows that all pain will go away.

happy knows there is a loving God in charge

happy knows i am always on His mind

happy knows that He knows all things

happy knows there is nothing He cannot do.

happy entrusts his life to a faithful creator.

happy entrusts his life, his breaths and heartbeats and health

happy also entrusts his life, his journey and ups and downs

happy entrusts.

happy then follows.

as the entrusting and following is happening,

there is a release

a realization

that in each moment

each step forward

happy can be found

i realize the pain

this world is broken by sin

but i happily thank my Father in heaven

for the gifts that are around me

physical beauty in colors.

stars.

glitter and glass and diamonds.

good food, good friends, good books, good fun.

ideas and music and love and thrill.

churches, children.

and where these don't remain,

i still have the happiest things of all

if i can't see the starts, they shine still.

they tell of Your unlimited glory.

Your hand in mine wherever i go.

a heart clean from sin.

a heart clothed in righteousness not my own/

the love of a Father who would send His son for me.

the proof of Your faithfulness as recorded in Your word

the hindsight of your purpose through all ages, many generations

the unstoppable plan for Your church.

the hope of heaven.

happy is a feeling.

i don't trust them,

but i think they are good.

they are from You.

i entrust my life to a faithful creator

each step

i will do my very best

to enjoy it.

I am determined that if all my senses contradict God, I would rather deny every one of them than believe that God could lie. –-Spurgeon

And at the end of my rope

when I could not solve my pain

or make it wash away

Then I came to the cross

and I saw You on that road

bearing that tree

And those steps You walked

You took them in my place

You suffered alone

the weight of my sins.

I do not know why this is happening to me.

I do not know what good will come of this.

I know that Your love for me is so great You would die in my place.

I know You suffered and bled to bring me to You.

I know Your love for me is deeper than the deepest ocean.

//

Thank You for saving me

What can I say

You took my sin and shame

I will bless Your name.

Great is the Lord, we cry

God let YOUR Kingdom come

Your word has let me see

Thank You for saving me.

oh God, You are my God

and I will ever praise You.

Always press into Him.

all things turn to good things.

(all Your ways are loving and are faithful)

dear self,

keep at it.

one day you'll be happy you did.

sweet corn pancakes

http://smittenkitchen.com/2010/08/sweet-corn-pancakes/

chalkbaord labels

http://shopterrain.com/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=ST&Product_Code=HOUS-FIEL-128-001001&Category_Code=HOUS-FIEL

project to do: learn calligraphy

:-)