THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN DEPRESSED

I had another bout of food triggered depression. I wasn't careful to read the label on my non-dairy creamer and it contains casein. As my mind is clearing up, I'm trying to type up the things God showed me through my depression this week, as well as observations for how I can do better handing this in the future. (It happens every time I accidentally have any gluten or casein, so it's bound to be a common thing I'll get to work through.)

FEAR / LOOKING AHEAD
In these times, I become especially frantic. Last summer, this manifested itself in fear about going back to school. This week, it was fear about money for tuition this semester, and being able to carry on in life with this level of mess in my mind and body.

IF I AM FAITHLESS HE IS FAITHFUL
This truth has become so precious to me.
This and the one about "if you call on my name you will be saved."
If I have called upon Jesus' name to be saved, I'm set. I'M SET.
No matter what happens between here and there, I am saved.
I could worship God every day, repent from any sins, and encourage others.
I could lose my mind, commit suicide. I'm still set.
This is a huge comfort at times when I feel like I can't even control my own mind.

"TAKE EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE"
When there's something chemically wrong with me, it is significantly harder to believe truth. To calm myself down once something triggers a panic, to not feel like everything's all horrible. While I can't necessarily change how I feel, I am called to try, and I am called to preach truth to myself. I am also promised that there's "no temptation that's not common to man without a way of escape"

SPELL OUT MY THOUGHTS
One way to help myself take my thoughts captive, is to figure out what they really are. I find it helpful to write out fears and lies on the left side of a page, and to on the right side refute them with scripture and realities I know about God.

another recipe blog

http://cannelle-vanille.blogspot.com/
Not all gf, but a lot of them are and everything has great photos.

This week has been another rough one. I've been feeling this sort of half deadness. Like in Pirates of the Caribbean, where all those cursed pirates would rather be mortal than have the "food turn to ash" in their mouths and all that jazz. Probably not the most helpful of analogies for me to be dwelling on. It's in between normal and out-of-body experience. From the times that I've done google searches, I know that this is not unusual for the lyme-diseased.

A lot of it has to do with goals and desires. I don't have career ambitions. I feel useless, pointless. I don't have that life in your blood feeling - the thrill and wonder to live. Thinking about this has causes some little breakdowns a few times this week, especially when I'm trying to fall asleep at night.

I've dealt with sadness, depression, and even bitterness over this issue. I've spent most of this afternoon tearing up. The lifelessness makes me question why I should even live. I quickly become bitter wondering why God would have me be here but not have my heart all here. What a silly question. I'm not sure what made me think that I need to have my heart all here. JC Ryle addresses this in his booklet Sickness, writing that "Surely anything that obliges us to alter the way we measure earthly things is a real good." He says that sickness "exposes the emptiness and hollowness of what the world calls 'good' things and teaches us to hold them with a loose hand." In this specific context Ryle doesn't state the following, but I believe the idea is incomplete without this - that measuring earthly things correctly, and holding them with a loose hand opens us up to this: holding with firm grip, and being ever more held by, the reality of heaven, the truth of God, and the hope in eternity. The goal of seeing this world as temporary is to see God's glory as eternal. I don't just let go of old dreams and old goals, I get picked up and carried forth by new and greater ones. That is why it is good when sickness makes me re-evaluate.

Also, reading this was a huge huge help.

etc

in hope & in courage

they sometimes say that love always wins

i know that love has already won.

--

current obsessions:

stars

courage

tattoos

pain throws your heart to the ground

love turns the whole thing around

Edward's Resolutions

My favorites of Edward's Resolutions

6. Resolved, to live with all my might, while I do live.

7. Resolved, never to do anything, which I should be afraid to do, if it were the last hour of my life.

17. Resolved, that I will live so as I shall wish I had done when I come to die.

22. Resolved, to endeavor to obtain for myself as much happiness, in the other world, as I possibly can, with all the power; might, vigor, and vehemence, yea violence, I am capable of, or can bring myself to exert, in any way that can be thought of.

25. Resolved, to examine carefully, and constantly, what that one thing in me is, which causes me in the least to doubt of the love of God; and to direct all my forces against it.

sit back, watch things grow

"ive been at this for a long time

life after life

day after day

heartache after heartache

sunrise after sunrise

year after year

you are no exception to this rule

this rule of my perfection

you will not be the one i let down

the one who i am unfaithful to

the one who i do not abundantly love

you plant you sow

and everything around you

you think it all is dying

but you can't see what i am building

what i have planted

what i am growing

go now,

do today

do this hour, and do this week

be blind to what i am doing

but be utterly sure that i am doing

and be utterly sure that it will be spectacular

and be utterly happy in me and my love for you

dance in the minefields

i hold all things in my hands."

ROUND-UP: Tattoo Ideas & Phrases

foot:

enjoy it

faithful

this is God, this is God

sit back, watch things grow

wrist:

all His ways are steadfast love & mercy (in 2 lines)

behind right ear:

shooting star

“For the gospel is the one great permanent circumstance in which I live and move….” – Milton Vincent

This kind of stuff shatters fears.

Listening to Christmas music while I'm doing my statistics homework. Pondering November and December, and the happiness that could be. Imaging sitting in the business school full of Christmas trees prepping for finals. Thinking about the potential for joy and love.

Then my thoughts glide over to fears. What if it's not a good month. What if there's drama and pain.

God is love. The love I have in and through God is huge. He isn't just enough to fill the void caused by pain, He is the source of all love and therefore there is room for mirth and overflowing whenever He is around. And He will be around this Christmas.

This kind of stuff shatters fears.

fall wedding flowers - bark wrapping

Via: The Ritzy Bee Blog

PROJECTS - TO DO: apron tutorial

http://thecraftsdept.marthastewart.com/2010/06/apron-tutorial.html

cute baking / cupcake cups

http://www.bakeitpretty.com/item_1425/Dashing-Dot-Baking-Cups.htm

strong emotions, extreme confidence

http://www.ccef.org/strong-emotions-extreme-confidence

Desperate Times: College Edition

The desperate measures that I have been reduced to during my college years.

1. Stealing toilet paper from campus because we have none at our house.

2. Trading brownies to the neighbor boys for toilet paper.

3. Ordering underwear online so that I will have to do my laundry less frequently and will avoid having to take the time to go shopping .

4. Sleeping on the couch in the common room instead of my bedroom in hopes that it will make it easier to get up the next morning.

things to look at

http://ritzybee.typepad.com/my_weblog/2010/10/an-apple-a-day.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+typepad%2FZlhs+%28%7Britzy+bee+blog%7D%29&utm_content=Google+Reader

http://www.danamcclure.com/2010/02/color-in-a-small-place/

http://www.danamcclure.com/2010/09/calypso-home/

Eighteen things. [updated]

I turned 18 a couple of weeks ago and one of the things I decided to do was create a list of eighteen things I want to do before I turn 19 (and then I'll do nineteen things, etc. etc.)

Here's what I have so far (not quite finished yet).

18 THINGS AT 18

1. Grow potted flowers and/or herbs. (CHECK AND CHECK!)

2. Join the fire dept.

3. Read 10 non-school books. (See progress here.)

4. Re-learn to knit.

5. Mail someone a care package.

6. Send 5 people cards/postcards.

- erin

7. Recover my journal. (CHECK!)

8. Try 5 new places to eat.

- Yogiberry

- Yoyogi Sushi

- Chloe's Coffee

- that burger place in vt (photos on phone)

-

9. Memorize 3 chapters of the Bible.

10. Buy a casual dress.

11. Go to the beach. (CHECK!)

12. Try 10 new recipes.

- gf df pumpkin bread

- gf df cinnamon rolls or this recipe

- gf df walnut bread

- wild rice / yogurt spinach salad

- homemade (and thus dairy free) nutella

13. Buy a poster or painting. (CHECK! - Robb Painting, Elise Blaha poster)

14. Re-design my new bedroom.

15. 30 push-ups.

16. Buy curtains for Stanford house. (CHECK!)

17. Learn to write and run apple scripts.

.: oct third twenty-ten

Reviewed this list. Excited about seeing actual progress. Was feeling bogged down with everything..this is good and uplifting. Need to keep working on photos and tracking it all in a format for my "18 things booklet." Worst case scenario, I don't document 18 in a book and use the book for 19. But I'd like to do it. I can worry about that next semester. Right now, just happy that I'm making good progress.

.: jan fifteenth

When I made my 18th-Year-Goals, I had no idea what was in store. The goals contain remnants from my pre-lyme-self (push ups, fire dept), but also give room for things I didn't realize would be a huge deal (trying new recipes with my new gluten and dairy free diet). This list represents a year of much change and includes things that I had to give up, and things I had to grow into.

G.K. Chesteron - Exult in Monotony

G.K. Chesteron:

A child kicks his legs rhythmically through excess, not absence, of life.

Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, “Do it again”; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony.

But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony.

It is possible that God says every morning, “Do it again” to the sun: and every evening, “Do it again” to the moon.

It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them.

It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.

The repetition in Nature may not be a mere recurrence; it may be a theatrical encore.

—”The Ethics of Elfland,” chapter 4 in Orthodoxy.

HT: Justin Taylor

Dear Brielle, (3 years ago)

Dear Brielle,

(3 years ago, age 15,

junior year of high school)

1. It's okay to go to bed with homework unfinished. Doing 80% worth is not a personal act of disobedience to your teacher (especially when your parents wish you would just sleep). It is okay to decide to not do everything. Some things are worth lower grades. Like your health and sanity.

2. Moreover an occasional B or C doesn't actually affect your grade for that class too much. Pull out a calculator and determine what really matters for your teacher's grading rubric, and give yourself some guidelines that have breathing room.

3. You don't need to solve all the problems for homework, for your life, for other people.

4. You are going to realize at the end of this year that you did too much too soon. You will end up skipping 11th grade, which is fantastic. However, you'll still not have enough classes to take in 12th grade. You really could have left one off of this year's schedule.

5. Breathe, kid, breath. You end up with good grades. The drama production goes great. The summer camp is a blast. And you'll wish you could go back and tell yourself to laugh and not cry and not worry.

6. This year is very hard, but very good. You will have so many happy memories of late nights in the lobby painting cows with Becca, taking walks around the building with her looking for a prince charming model, and you'll even fondly recall the craziness of early morning chapel setups and late night ap government cramming.

7. You did the right thing moving on from him. It's hard. You will be friends with him again, but you're too young to make this decision and it was good to get out.

8. Don't cry when your math teacher fails two of your 150 assignments. It won't affect your average, really it won't.

9. You are not fat.

10. Don't leave your caffeine in the car when you go to take the SAT the 2nd time. You end up with a massive headache and fall asleep for half of it.

11. You don't eat and sleep enough and stress way too much. You don't have your period for the freaking entirety of this year. This is not healthy or normal, please be better to yourself.

12. Don't rush life. Be responsible by working hard. But also handle the time skillfully by enjoying it. You think this time is the worst thing ever, but it's beautiful and you're going to miss it.

Rebuilding from Scratch

I feel very numb today.
As thought I slept all day and am in a fog.
At least this evening I'm somehow not tired..which is different.

But very much feeling the things I felt this summer -
apathetic about life
apathetic about my future
apathetic about things that i think i would have found fun in the past?
i enjoy things and kind of look forward to them, but not really
there's nothing months that i'm looking fw'd to.
days seem to have no number, no difference
despair
i'm scared by small tasks - going to the bank to cash checks.
i have a very hard time getting through 2 hours of work at NARA
i feel incredibly victorious after organizing a drawer or mailing the rent

I'm scared to admit I'm like this - to myself, to others.
I'm afraid people will think I am useless, I am afraid that I am useless.

.. crying now as I type this. and just praying to God, "help me, help me."
I remember last time I went thought this, and He met me in the lowest places.
And I don't know what will work from this, but He is good and does good.
I feel pathetic that I'm going through this again, even though I'm not on medicines.
I don't know what's wrong. If it's just my heart. My sin. My discontent.

--

I don't want to trust in a plan, or in distractions, or in things that make me feeeel happy.
But I think that a combination is good - of truth and motivators.
And so right now I'm going to have my devotions. But then I'm going to clean because it helps.

This week my scary obstacles to overcome are:
- Drive to bank and cash checks
(I should do this tomorrow - wednesday)
- call university about healthcare waiver,
didn't get to this over the summer. :P
- Go to Fire Dept proby training (on Friday night)

heart issues

These last few days have been rough.
Sunday and Monday especially weary & those days and today just full of apathy and sadness.

Seeing and trying to see more of what's going on in my heart with all of this.

Anger.
I can be tempted to be angry at my situation, and especially at others. I'm not sure if it's envy that they don't have the darkness they have, or anger when they don't understand it. But anger is not good and not okay - I need to fight it.

Discontent
And I'm not sure what it is I want. I want for this to be over, but I don't know what that means. I don't know what this is and what I want to change. But I know I'm not embracing my situation. I need to remember that no change is what I need to be happy - God is enough, and more than enough, and a beautiful portion. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.

weakness & strength

if i am truly weak
and only God is strong

then i only get stronger
by relying more on Him
and only by seeing my weakness more clearly

so my prayers for God to strengthen me
are prayers to see myself more fully as weak?
which is a scary but good prayer.

My deepest need in weakness.

"The deepest need that you and I have in weakness and adversity
is not quick relief,
but the well-grounded confidence
that what is happening to us
is part of the greatest purpose of God in the universe -
the glorification of the grace and power of his Son -
the grace and power that bore him to the cross
and kept him there until the work of love was done.
That's what God is building into our lives."

John Piper

"Every single thing that happens to us expresses God's love to us, and comes to us for the furthering of God's purpose for us. Thus, so far as we are concerned, God is love to us--holy, omnipotent love--at every moment and in every event of every day's life. Even when we cannot see the why and the wherefore of God's dealings, we know that there is love in and behind them, and so we can rejoice always, even when, humanly speaking, things are going wrong. We know that the true story of our life, when known, will prove to be, as the hymn says, "mercy from first to last" -- and we are content."

J.I. Packer, Knowing God p. 123

ht: Girl Talk

i need to learn to make these gluten-free

http://www.goodlifeeats.com/2010/09/pumpkin-cinnamon-rolls.html

Do not eat fake cheese.

With this whole gluten free, dairy free thing, I'm learning not to force things. Most of the time, when I try to find a good substitute, it ends up as a depressing failure. That's what I found with the fake cheese pasta I had the other day. I couldn't even eat it.

Before I couldn't have gluten and dairy, there were plenty of other things I ate. It's just easy now to always be aware of what I can't have. There is, however, a wealth of wonderful food combos I can explore and experiment with. Instead of freaking out of not having cheese pasta, I can try different olive oil & spice combos. I can milk my basil plant for all it's worth. I can have pesto.

This week I spazzed over not being able to put cheese in my morning (or midnight) egg and english muffin combo. The first time, I bitterly ate it bland. The next day I calmed down enough to try other options. I put some honey dijon mustard on, and then added some raw honey - delicious.

From now on, I'm going to stop freaking out.
I don't want dairy, I don't want gluten - they make me feel bad.
I LOVE nuts, and soy milk, and rice flour crackers. I really do.
And I love my new way of making egg sandwiches.
And I can eat bacon and sushi - what more can I ask for? :-)

the purpose i find
when i behold my sin & my savior

is a greater
stronger
better purpose

than any purpose i might feel.
any thrill to live
and passion to walk this road.

(i am ever glad
for being forced
to look my life in the eye.)

//
and then when we opened our eyes,
we found that all that was left
were unshakable things.

the beginnings of a hope & a dream.

“Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you,
that he might sift you like wheat,
but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail.
And when you have turned again,
strengthen your brothers.”
Luke 22:31-32

the long seeking.

Come near to the holy men and women of the past and you will soon feel the heat of their desire after God. They mourned for Him, they prayed and wrestled and sought for Him day and night, in season and out, and when they had found Him the finding was all the sweeter for the long seeking.

- A. W. Tozer (The Pursuit of God)

A Happiness Manifesto

happy.

it seems like a fickle thing.

a thing not to be trusted.

a thing i have lost.

a thing i might not have again.

a thing that the bitter scorn.

i hear a lot about how we shouldn't strive for happy,

we should have joy.

i don't know what that means.

i like the word happy more.

i understand where they're coming from.

"doesn't God want me to be happy?"

people use happy as an excuse to sin.

but i don't want to excuse happy for that.

it's not happy's fault.

i think happy is good.

i think happy is right.

i think we were made to love happy.

i love happy.

we have emotions.

there is pain.

it is okay for happy to be shaken, for happy to fall down.

it is not the happy that doesn't shake,

it is the trust that doesn't shake

and this trust picks happy up again.

happy knows many things.

happy knows there is more than meets the eye.

happy knows i am never alone.

happy knows that all pain will go away.

happy knows there is a loving God in charge

happy knows i am always on His mind

happy knows that He knows all things

happy knows there is nothing He cannot do.

happy entrusts his life to a faithful creator.

happy entrusts his life, his breaths and heartbeats and health

happy also entrusts his life, his journey and ups and downs

happy entrusts.

happy then follows.

as the entrusting and following is happening,

there is a release

a realization

that in each moment

each step forward

happy can be found

i realize the pain

this world is broken by sin

but i happily thank my Father in heaven

for the gifts that are around me

physical beauty in colors.

stars.

glitter and glass and diamonds.

good food, good friends, good books, good fun.

ideas and music and love and thrill.

churches, children.

and where these don't remain,

i still have the happiest things of all

if i can't see the starts, they shine still.

they tell of Your unlimited glory.

Your hand in mine wherever i go.

a heart clean from sin.

a heart clothed in righteousness not my own/

the love of a Father who would send His son for me.

the proof of Your faithfulness as recorded in Your word

the hindsight of your purpose through all ages, many generations

the unstoppable plan for Your church.

the hope of heaven.

happy is a feeling.

i don't trust them,

but i think they are good.

they are from You.

i entrust my life to a faithful creator

each step

i will do my very best

to enjoy it.

I am determined that if all my senses contradict God, I would rather deny every one of them than believe that God could lie. –-Spurgeon

And at the end of my rope

when I could not solve my pain

or make it wash away

Then I came to the cross

and I saw You on that road

bearing that tree

And those steps You walked

You took them in my place

You suffered alone

the weight of my sins.

I do not know why this is happening to me.

I do not know what good will come of this.

I know that Your love for me is so great You would die in my place.

I know You suffered and bled to bring me to You.

I know Your love for me is deeper than the deepest ocean.

//

Thank You for saving me

What can I say

You took my sin and shame

I will bless Your name.

Great is the Lord, we cry

God let YOUR Kingdom come

Your word has let me see

Thank You for saving me.

oh God, You are my God

and I will ever praise You.

Always press into Him.

all things turn to good things.

(all Your ways are loving and are faithful)

dear self,

keep at it.

one day you'll be happy you did.

sweet corn pancakes

http://smittenkitchen.com/2010/08/sweet-corn-pancakes/

chalkbaord labels

http://shopterrain.com/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=ST&Product_Code=HOUS-FIEL-128-001001&Category_Code=HOUS-FIEL

project to do: learn calligraphy

:-)

Struggling a lot today with the idea that I could very well feel like this for the rest of my life. I don't know how I will do it. Yet remembering that in April I said I couldn't survive if my allergies didn't go away by May.

Well, here we are, almost to September.

They were not allergies and it is not gone.

Not only did I survive, but I learned. I loved.

There was grace. There was even joy.

There are cherished memories and progress made.

It was not always easy, but it was never wrong.

i thought it was darkness before me, but He turned it into light.

"And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them.

I will turn the darkness before them into LIGHT, the rough places into level ground.

These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them."

- Isaiah 42:16

"In all their affliction he was afflicted,
and the angel of his presence saved them;
in his love and in his pity he redeemed them;
he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old."

-Isaiah 63:9

You give and You take away happiness.

Blessed be Your name.

I can feel my heart slowly coming back to me. :-)

It was a weird mixture of hard and easy to pursue God when depressed.

On one hand, it's hard because there is a lack of energy and passion in my life.

It is easy however, to fall on Him because there is nothing else. I don't want to lose that. There was something holy about the moments when I would lift my hands and praise God for His goodness when there was such deadness in my soul. It was so raw and real.

I am grateful for that time, even though I longed for and prayed for it to be over.

In every season,

God gives us what we need for us to glorify Him

in the way He wants us to at that time.

So what do I have now?

The ability to be passionate.

More energy to reach out to others and serve and love them.

What are my weaknesses now?

To forget my need.

To forget what is of ultimate importance.

To neglect the word and put my trust back in myself.

How can I keep from falling to those things?

Only by God's grace.

By admitting that I will tend, and will fall at times to those ways.

By daily remembering the gospel, my sin, my savior, my calling.

By filling my surroundings with reminders -

gospel centered music, flash cards, friends who remind me, etc.

Devotional plan for this Fall:

Continue working on the Bible in a Year Plan.

Work on my memory verses. 2 verses per week at a minimum.

(I should work on the books of the Bible I plan to memorize for my "18 Things" list)

here's my dilemma.

There are two options:

a) this is temporary me

b) this is new me

If this is temporary me, then in some time I will get the old me back.

This means: I should still pursue disaster relief and join the fire dept.

If this is the new me, then I need to adjust.

This means: switching to InfoSystems or Marketing major, becoming crafty, doing more events and weddings, etc. etc.

I'm going to give myself 1 month.

For now, I'm going to carry on like before. Fire dept. etc etc.

If in a month, I am still weird like this, I will re-asses and consider plan b.

I can see His hand.

Even in the scariest most tearful moments, I can see His hand.

Every time I feel at my end, I turn to Him.

That is His hand, His work, His drawing me.

I have felt tossed and tumbled, but never not-anchored.

I have felt confused but never lost.

I have felt angry, but He has turned that to joy and trust, not bitterness.

Even when I let go, He holds on.

I see His hand so clearly in my weakness.

I see it so clearly.

I don't know what's coming.

I know His hand won't let me go.

I trust Him.

--

	We are pressed but not crushed, perplexed but don't despair. We are persecuted but not abandoned. We are no longer slaves, we are daughters and sons. And when we are weak, we are very strong. For neither death nor life nor present nor future nor depth nor height can keep us from the love of Christ. This rings so true for me right now. I see His hand in that I was perplexed but I didn't despair.

strength of heart

strength of heart

isn't the ability to not feel anything

or always to remain emotionally attached to good

it is the courage

to decide what i know

to choose good

when all in me screams to give in, to give up.

--

i think so often

how can i work hard for a better tomorrow beyond this

when i don't want tomorrow.

i thought i would be a fighter.

my God i cling to You, don't let me go.

baby room animal prints

https://www.theanimalprintshop.com/

easily forgotten..

THE ONLY WAY OUT

IS THROUGH.

It's cliche, easily forgotten, but also true.

And I change my approach when I remember it.

--

I feel like this season of my life is a big smear.

And I'm afraid I'll look back on it.. as a big smear.

I probably will.

But I know I will look back on this whole life as a blur.

There is something else, something after, something eternal.

my hope is set.

oh setbacks.

i have been out of bed for 6.5 hours.

i want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep.

i really hope this is just the meds.

i really hope i'm not like this at school next week.

..

i would really like these things.

but on further thought, they are not my hope.

"For this end we toil and strive,

Because we have our hope set on the living God,

who is the Savior of all people,

especially of those who believe."

- 1 Timothy 4:10

stuff to do in room

just writing this to help myself keep track:

- princess crown decal / vinyl sticker on mirror

- beside bedroom door: framed, under glass (so i can use dry erase marker) - a list of week/weekend tasks and packing items for life in cp & gburg

- something framed and light colored in between closet doors, over the necklace holders.

- frame for new paining from mrs robb

- mount framed enjoy it poster.

- put mirror onto wall by door.

- move bed to go in the other direction (maybe?)

PROJECT TO DO: Stained Clothespins

I am going to make these.

(When you aren't worrying about durability/super-quality, etc. it is really easy to stain stuff: mix acrylic paint with water. There's no need to buy these things, haha.)

Andrew Peterson

Andrew Peterson music is phenomenal.

If I could only buy 3, (although I've bought 10 this last week, haha) I'd get:

- After the Last Tear

- All Shall Be Well

- More

diy links to review

http://epherielldesigns.com/my-process-the-making-of-the-mom-necklace

http://www.sayyestohoboken.com/2010/04/diy-mothers-day-roundup.html

http://www.sayyestohoboken.com/2010/04/stripey-spring-bag-weekend-roundup.html

http://www.sayyestohoboken.com/2010/05/diy-making-beach-tote-bag.html

and LOVE

http://www.sayyestohoboken.com/2009/07/diy-painting-floor.html

bedroom re-design links

http://decor8blog.com/2009/10/08/japanese-tape-diy-for-frames/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/whiskergraphics/3611716795/

Kiddo Thank-You Notes

http://www.stephmodo.com/2009/04/kiddo-thank-you-notes.html

seafood info

http://www.edf.org/page.cfm?tagID=1521&redirect=seafood

When my heart is empty, fill it with You.

When feelings are gone, I am grateful more than ever for the word of God. It is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. When my heart does not know what to want, I learn to desire God's glory. When my heart feels alone, I know I never am. When I do not know how to treat others, I am reminded to love them because of God's love for me.

//

Let's go dancing in the minefields.

This is harder than we dreamed

but I believe that's what the promise is for.

(andrew peterson)

PROJECT TO DO: Fabric Scrap Flowers

http://www.stephmodo.com/2010/08/fabric-scrap-flowers.html

How to fold a fitted sheet.

I need to try this:

http://www.stephmodo.com/2010/03/how-to-fold-fitted-sheet.html

PROJECT TO DO: Fabric Feathers

http://stephaniecongdonbarnes.blogspot.com/2010/02/more-feathers-added-to-shop.html

PROJECT TO DO: Book binding.

http://eliseblaha.typepad.com/golden/2009/03/maybe-next-time-enter-to-win.html

Paper flowers.

http://eliseblaha.typepad.com/golden/2010/03/how-to-tuesday-simple-paper-flowers.html

Painted pine cones.

http://stephaniecongdonbarnes.blogspot.com/2009/10/i-know-its-early.html

Cartilage pierce.

I got my cartilage pierced on Friday.

Hannah Maka and I went and got them together.

LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

Uselessness

I was at Chloe's Coffee spending time with my friend Sarah, who was working there. While she was doing dishes and serving customers, I had some random thoughts that I developed by sending myself a super long email from my Blackberry. Here's what I typed up with my thumbs...

--

I think I am useless because I have less time, less energy, and am not the person I was.

TIME
God has given me all the time I need to do His will. I just need to steward. Am I stewarding well? I think one of my "I have no time because I'm always sleeping" causes is useless pursuits. I have less time, yes. So its all the more precious. Am I using it to pursue Christ, or wasting it? Lord, teach me to number my hours that I may use them wisely, for the only thing that remains.

LESS ENERGY
God provides strength for everything He calls me to. But a big issue is seperating sickness from laziness. I think it could really help me to get myself in a more managable pattern so I can discern the sickness excuse. For example, go to bed soon enough that I don't need to snooze. And then get in a pattern of not using the snooze button. Making a manegable task list, and then be faithful to follow through. Be aware of limitations, but don't focus too much on feelings.

MIND/PERSONALITY
I feel like I'm not myself. New energy, or lack thereof. No goals - little and tired ones. New concentration - a poor one. I forget things, space out, don't care about things that used to excite me. I am the person God wants me to be to do His purpose now. If I'm less dominant and energetic then Gods work for me now must require something else.

If I'm this way for the rest of my days, I'm not useless. I'm used differently.

Unless the Lord builds the house, the workers labor in vain.

Its Gods plan that's unstoppable and best. Not mine.

(the following are snippets from different sovereign grace songs.)

Come Holy Spirit
We lay down our lives
To gather in the harvest
Won by Jesus Christ.

--

Your glorious cause oh God
Engages our hearts
May Jesus Christ be known
WHEREVER we are

We ask not for ourselves
But for your renown
Your cross has saved us
SO we pray
Your kingdom come

paper boquet

http://www.projectwedding.com/wedding-ideas/diy-wedding-challenge-2010-paper-flower-bouquets

I want a tattoo there.

oh deer
Originally uploaded by sadie w. harris

I want a tattoo in this spot. love love love. Maybe not a deer antler, but a flower, or a butterfly or a small heart..

Your great Burden Bearer

Saw this on Megan Russel's blog.

“it is a heavy burden, roll it on Omnipotence.
it is your burden now, and it crushes you;
but when the Lord takes it He will make nothing of it.
if you are still called to bear it,
‘He will sustain you.’
it will be on you, and not on you."

--
Charles Spurgeon
Check Book of the Bank of Faith, July 14th.

Elizabeth Prentiss Quote

God never places us in any position in which we can not grow. We may fancy that he does. We may fear we are so impeded by fretting, petty cares that we are gaining nothing; but when we are not sending any branches upward, we may be sending roots downward.

gluten.

I might have figured out the cause behind my "lyme headaches." These are very different from the typical tension headaches I've had all my life. These are a fuzz in the front of my head and are accompanied by feelings of nausea. I got them especially every time I ate. Thought it was because of the lyme. I hope I'm wrong, but I think they are triggered by eating gluten.

Today I had a burger, and 5 min later had a headache.

Later I had an ice cream. With a cone. Headache!

#1 reason i'm un-cool with this

i don't want to be "that girl" who is too frail to eat bread.

sorry gluten intolerant ppl, i don't mean this harshly.

i just always thought it'd be lame of me to be gluten intolerant. ironic.

#2 reason i'm un-cool with this

beer

comforting thoughts

1. i can still eat ice cream

2. i can still eat fro-yo

3. i can still have sushi

::UPDATE::
In September 2010, I figured out that I was also casein-intolerant. So much for being able to have fro-yo and ice cream. :p :)

10 things Re: Fall Semester that I am excited about.

(something to try to get my to be okay with the idea of going back to school. right now working through depression, this is a big scary idea.) ;-)

1. Being with the roomies.

2. The new houseplants Joanna and I purchased in New Jersey.

3. The food co-op at Maryland.

4. Being 5 minutes away from Yogiberry and bubble tea (!!).

5. Routine.

6. College friends.

7. Having all my own food again.

8. The gym at school.

9. TBD

10. TBD :-)

Resolutions.

1. I resolve to quit EWB and never return.

2. I resolve to keep my room clean.

3. I resolve to keep my basil plant alive.

4. I resolve to have study parties with Gloria.

5. I resolve to have more study time in Joanna's piano practice rooms while she plays.

6. I resolve to drink lots of bubble tea.

7. I resolve to drop a class if I don't laugh for a month like Spring'10. :P

another fav song.

have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air

have you ever looked fear in the face and said i just don't care.

//

pink "glitter in the air"

Rainbow cake roundup.

Cake #1:
via: Oh Happy Day
more photos: facebook album

Cake #2
http://whisk-kid.blogspot.com/2009/08/say-it-with-cake.html

Cake #3
via:springcart.typepad.com

lyme / fall semester

Yesterday, Joanna and I went to a friend's flower shop here in New Jersey. We selected plants to put in our house at school when we move back in this Fall. And I thought about having the plants there with us, and for the first time I was happy about the idea of going back there.

It is lame that plants are my source of happiness, plants and the idea of cooking with the basil plant we bought, but it worked. In this season, it is really easy try to keep myself afloat by little things that will make me happy: buying stuff, plants, cooking, pretty colors. I need to find the balance between not having these things shroud my love for my Creator, but at the same time, taking advantage of the God given reality that His wonderful creations bring joy.

It's an awful big world and awful scary life.

Every day, year, good and bad decision.

I'll never get any of it back.

It could be spectacular,

it could be horrific.

But I have a calling and a hope that is unshaken.

No matter what this life holds,

I am called to walk this road aiming to glorify Christ.

And I have the hope of heaven, eternity.

I think we're meant to be scared by the passing of time, so uncontrollable. I believe we're meant to be scared by anything less than eternity.

I think I think too much.

Some people try to face this world by declaring massive optimism and embracing whatever may come .

I don't think that's enough.

But God is enough.

Because it's what we were made for.

Nothing else fixes things.

diligence.

Great article by Mark Altrogge on diligence.

Depression.

Now that I'm better, things look different, but my sinful nature remains. I still have to make a conscious decision to pursue God, to have Him as the source of my joy, to remember Him through my day.

--

While I couldn't just make myself feel happy, reminding myself of key truths had a big impact on my mind. For example, thinking through how God has proven His love by the cross, or how people throughout all time have relied on Him and not been let down, inspired me to be diligent and do the tasks He had called me to even when I didn't feel like moving.

--

Depression is not an excuse to sin, but can definitely have chemical causes. Switching medicine cleared up the problem for me, but if I had the same symptoms for an extended period of time in future, I would strongly consider getting medicine to help.

--

God walks with us through every season He calls us through.

new lyme meds + feeling better :-)

I switched to amoxicillin Sunday night - one of the best decisions of my year. I had been on doxycycline for 6 weeks, ever since the day I was diagnosed (May 19th) with lyme.

MY LIFE IS NO LONGER A BIG BLACK ABYSS OF SCARY NOTHINGNESS.

aka - my depression wasn't caused by lyme, it was a side affect of the doxycycline.

I didn't know this, because I associated all the symptoms together since I've been on the meds for so long.

So many times I was confused about the depression. I didn't know if I was making things up in my head, if I was causing it. However, now that I am on the amoxicillin it's like night and day. I'll try to explain it, I hope this isn't weird, haha.

Now that I'm "normal" it's not like I'm bursting with happiness all the time. It's normal. I now remember this being how I feel all the time, all my life. It's like you're a buoy floating in the water. There are down moments and up moments, but you bounce back to a happy norm. On the meds, it was like I was drowning. I would sometimes get up to the surface for a breath of fresh air, but it lasted for a moment and then I was underwater again. Weird metaphor, but it's all I can think of to describe the difference.

Anyways, it's WONDERFUL.

Unexpected, weird, sudden, I'm hoping it's here to stay, but regardless

I LOVE IT. And I'm so grateful.

today

today was hard.

looked in a mirror partway through and i looked like a raccoon with huge dark circles. not even kidding. and i spent most of the day on the verge of tears. which was fun because i worked at the receptionist desk at my church all day. fortunately, nothing tipped me over the edge. i didn't cry at all until now as i type all this, which is fine because i'm alone eating a potato. :-)

today was good.

i was reminded of God's nearness and care.

i laughed at things.

i was reminded that God has a plan to use me.

the other day i was talking to someone and they said they had an impression that the Lord would use me in a certain way. the biggest surprise to me was the idea that God was going to use me in a specific way one day. that He could use me. the biggest thing right now is just huge inadequacy and just massive difficulty in getting through each day. it's incredibly comforting and happy to think that in time i will help, serve and minister to others again. i guess i did last week with all the kiddos at the camp, but it was so indirect.

aaand now i'm crying more.

wanting to just know when this will end, that it will end.

someday, sometime. i will get my life back.

reminded that i find, should find, my life, hope, and identity in Christ.

and that if I do, it can't be shaken. ever.

need to work on that. :-)

--

“God often helps when there is least hope, and saves His people in that way which they think will destroy. There is never a providence of God, but has either a mercy or a wonder in it. How stupendous and infinite is that wisdom, that makes the most adverse dispensations work for the good of His children.

thomas watson

Lyme: Goals and tasks.

One of the biggest things I'm going to have to figure out if the lyme doesn't go away:

When to lessen up on myself, when to push myself.

For example, the idea of taking a bunch of boring, hard, academic classes this Fall is concerning. I'm honestly not sure I'll be able to make myself work hard. So should I push through, or should I take some graphic design and computer programming classes and just make it a light happy semester? Don't know, don't know..

Lyme.

First of all, I'm not blogging this to score pity points. It's just helpful for me to put this here. To get it off my chest. To have it here to read later. There's something about talking and writing that help me think.

I have had lyme for a little over 3 months now. That's not a very long time, but it's not getting any better. The biggest issue is the constant weariness and the feeling that I just don't care. Even things that I have minor emotion for aren't the same - a good movie, a yummy meal - I just get a slice of enjoyment. There's a big temptation to be angry that I can't have my old life and my old energy back. I was looking through photos of the Spring semester and it helped. I do have some good memories, there were moments of laughter. But in all honesty, they seem speckled through across the smear that is the last 3 months. That's life - a giant smear I'm trying to survive. I am not trying to say that my life is horrible and I fight to survive, I am just saying that this is how it feels.

The biggest issue is looking at the future. I want to have faith and joy. I want to glorify God. My initial feeling is always fear. I don't know what I'm going to do if it doesn't go away, I really don't know. The idea of facing another semester like this scares me to the point of tears.

But this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,

"therefore I will hope in him."

The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him.

(lamentations 3:21-25)

So many times I've had the thought, "This is going to knock the life out of me." Each time I'm reminded that if my life is Christ, it can't be knocked out of me.

"The Lord is my portion, therefore I will hope in him." I have no clue what the Fall semester will look like. I can't joyfully expect things to go my way, or for me to be healed. I can desire that, pray for that, but I will be let down if I hope in that. But I have a better portion than that. The Lord is my portion, and my glorious portion, and my certain portion. I can hope, I can joyfully anticipate His nearness, love, and active work this Fall, and for the rest of my days.

The Anti-Lyme Plan

I was diagnosed with Lyme disease a few days back, May 19th 2010.
I seem to have had it since late March, and they're putting me on doxycycline...

number one

no plan, formula, or list can fix me.

my biggest goal and my only hope is in God.

before all things, and in all things, my goal is to glorify Him.

and only through His strength can I do this.

and He will provide strength.

and when I fail, when I fall

He will arrange for it to glorify Him.

He’s sovereign like that.

number two

if my goal is God’s glory, I am happy to do it His way.

this means that there are no setbacks, delays, or obstacles. just situations that He has ordained. yes, I didn’t plan it this way. no, it doesn’t make sense to me. this is okay because I know He know’s whats up, and will work it for good. it may, to me, looks like a windy wrong-direction road, going backwards, or painful and useless. but its not a diverstion from the plan, it was planned. it’s not useless, it’s perfect. perfect.

number three

this is not the worst thing that could happen to me.

mostly because it’s the best thing that could happen to me.

basically because God’s in charge.

“How will he then not graciously give us all things?”

number four

i will look back with no regrets.

i will look back with joy and faith

He never fails.

number five

brief pause to recall that not only can i not despair because of these truths, but i also don’t deserve any of this. i sprurned God, i sinned, i deserve eternal death and punishment. “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us..”

number six

i will try to be others focused.

i know this is annoying, but let’s face it. life is about God, not me.

so i want to glorify Him.

i want to love otheres.

I want to put God first, others second, me third.

this means making effort and using energy to reach out, hear about their life, care for them, worry about their problems, encourage them.

number seven

the only way to be others focused is to keep working to be God focused.

otherwise it’s me,me,me.

number eight

i vow to get rid of my yellow tongue.

it’s so strange.

gift ideas for girls.

i'm big on practical but special gifts.

things you can use, really want, but might not spend the money to buy for yourself.

- orla kiely stuff http://www.orlakiely.com/usa/

- sally hansen nail polish

- iTunes songs, not giftcard, but gift them a song on their bday, or just because.

ten books in twenty-ten

1. Rediscoving Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

2. Why We Love the Church by Kevin DeYoung &

3. Flight by Sherman Alexi

4. A Sweet and Bitter Providence by John Piper (July - )

5. The Consequence of Ideas by RC Sproul

5. Made to Stick by Chip Heath & Dan Heath (August - )

6. Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller

7. Confessions by Augustine

8. Checklist Manifesto (August - )

9. Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammet

10. A Praying Life by Paul Miller (June - )

other possibilities

- Too Big to Fail

- The Happiness Project

- Switch

- Rework

My cubicle at work.

I work at the National Archives II here in College Park.

Soooo this is my very first cubicle:

:)