my word of the year: step

(more coming. it's written in my journal, just have to type it up.)

Misconception

Today I realized why I have been looking forward to the Spring Semester so much. I have this subconscious and false belief that going back to school will suddenly usher in sunshine and warmth. I picture the semester, and I picture myself on our backyard facing roof, tanning, sipping lemonade. I think two weeks from now I'll find myself in a very different reality, but in the meantime, I'm going to keep pretending. And if nothing else, I can't get to the sunshine without going through the school, so it's a happy step to happy things.

Output.

Sometimes (like right now for example), I freak out about my massive uselessness. I keep screwing up, keep messing up. I feel like I'm a kid - I get a lot wrong, and can't keep on top of things. Except I'm supposed to somehow fund my life now. It's not adding up, and it's falling apart. What's the point of me being here? I'm just a black hole of resources - will I ever create a positive benefit in this world? Or will I just keep up falling behind, taking, needing, subtracting? But there's this idea that gives me a bit of light: maybe the best thing I can give and create, maybe what the world needs most, isn't economic output but love.

Trust inspiring action

Trusting God for my future in realms of career and usefulness gives me peace, but doesn't encourage laziness. If I really believe that God wants to use me, and will make it happen despite my weakness and inability to find my way without him, I won't want to react by waiting around and doing nothing. On the contrary, if I really believe that God WILL use me, I should find myself peacefully working hard to prepare in whatever areas I think he might call me in. Knocking on doors that I think he might call me through, building skills I hope he might use.

they somehow already know

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

- Steve Jobs

all we are is love.
(and they can never keep you from loving, no matter what they try,
and all our failures to love are covered by the greatest love).